Monday, May 26, 2014

5 Reasons Why the Coachmen from "Pinocchio" is the Most TERRIFYING Disney Villain Ever!

5 Reasons why The Coachman from “Pinocchio” is the Most TERRIFYING Disney Villain Ever

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Hello friends and loyal readers, Das Film Junkie here, and I just wanted to say that thank you for making My “Disney Princess Top 5’s” my most popular articles written to date.  I found it rather astounding that so many people were intrigued as to what a man in his mid-twenties thinks about the Disney Princesses.  Well I’ve said all that I can about the Disney Princesses so it’s time for me to venture to the next area of interest; Disney Villains.  So stay tuned to see what Disney Villains I pay homage to and once again thank you so much for the likes and comments on my articles J                                
      Even though Disney has prided itself on being “Quality Family Entertainment” its animation studios have managed to create some pretty frightening villains.  From the powerful and imposing Chernabog from “Fantasia” to the Mistress of All Evil, Maleficent, from “Sleeping Beauty”, Disney has a wide range of frightening and memorable villains. However there is one obscure Disney Villain who often get’s overlooked.  He’s actually one of the first Disney Villains and by your God, he scared me as a child and he still continues to scare the piss out of me as an adult.  So here are 5 Reasons why The Coachman from “Pinocchio” is the Most Terrifying Disney Villain Ever.

5.)  He corrupts Minors

     The Coachman lures young boys away from their homes and takes them to a place called “Pleasure Island” where they are free to drink alcohol, smoke tobacco, break things, and gamble.  What kind of terrible adult would let such young children do such things?  He’s irresponsible and reckless if you ask me.

That's about as Pedo of a facial expression as you can have
4.)  He’s a Kidnapper and Human (...well technically donkey) trafficker

All that from selling little boys
So the Coachman brings all these boys to Pleasure Island, and I’m sure he didn’t have to forcefully take these kids away from their homes, I’m sure they all went with him on their own free will, but don’t you think the parents would be a little concerned if they knew where he was taking their sons and what he was doing to them?  And don’t you think there would be a lot of families wondering what the hell happened to their sons?  Also, let’s not forget he’s selling these boys after they transform into donkeys to the circus and the salt mines.  It doesn’t matter that those boys are now donkeys; I still think it counts as human trafficking.  Also, what the hell does he do with the talking ones?  Some of the boys don’t transform entirely and still have the ability to speak to humans...he’d be stupid if he sold them, so what is he going to do with them?  Oh God, why did my mind just race to “Tijuana Donkey Show”?           
    Now true there have been other Disney Villains who have kidnapped other characters, but usually they were just holding a person hostage, and their lives weren’t in actual danger.  The Coachman is actually selling the boys he’s kidnapped, and it’s not like he’s sending letters to their parents saying “Pay me this amount of money if you ever want to see your son again, or he’ll be a donkey forever and be sold for hard labor”.  He just straight up transforms the boys into donkeys and then sells them.

Could you repeat that? It was hard to hear over
the sound of me soiling myself!!!!!!

3.)  He abuses Animals and Children

No Coachman don't do it, he's just a donkey...I mean boy!
The Coachman straight up abuses animals.  Animal abuse is not cool, on any level, and no I’m not just saying this as some stupid PETA P.S.A. What makes his crimes worst is that the animals he is abusing are not actual animals, but rather young boys trapped in animal bodies.  I mean we see him whipping the donkeys and verbally abusing them, and he selling them to be used for hard manual labor that most humans would not do.  And just let me re-touch on a few things I said earlier: if he’s allowing boys to smoke, drink, gamble, and do other things, then I’m pretty certain that he must be molesting some of the boys.  I know, it’s Disney and they would never do such a thing in one of their films and nothing like that is even mentioned in the Original Italian story, but I do have some reasons for I believe this is implied: the place he takes the boys to is called “PLEASURE ISLAND”, and what do most people associate pleasure with?  Also why does he only want to collect “stupid little boys” and not stupid little girls?  Yeah, unsettling isn’t it?  I’m not trying to make a perverted joke with this one.  All I’m saying is that if I saw this guy wandering around my neighborhood, I’d be expecting him to come to my door to read me a Court Ordered notice.

2.)  He has a God Complex and (possibly) uses Black Magick

The Power of Christ Compels you!
So the film (and the original Italian story) don’t mention if Pleasure Island is a “Magical Island”; there is a very brief moment in the film when the Coachman is meeting with Honest John and Gideon where Honest John says that “the law forbids” travel to Pleasure Island—but it’s never explained why—he just tells Honest John that “they never come boys!”.  This leads me to believe that the Coachmen possibly use’s Black Magick on the island to transform the boys into donkeys.  Not only that, but I think it would explain the faceless black minions that work for him.  They don’t have any distinctive features other than a large black frame and yellow eyes, so maybe they are demons that he conjured up?  I think his use of Black Magick leads to his development of a “God Complex”.  The few boys who haven’t entirely transformed into donkeys and can still talk, beg and plead with the coachman to turn them back and let them go.  He ignores their pleas for mercy; he just cracks his whip and exclaims “Quiet! You boys have had your fun now pay for it”.  It’s like he’s telling these boys, “I-am-the-Lord-Your-God-and-now-I’m-going-to-make-you-pay-for-your-sins”.  In some ways he reminds me of a more brutish and bombastic version of Kevin Spacey’s character from “Se7en”; they both take those with poor morals and do horrible things to them, and they believe that their actions are completely justifiable.

1.)  His Crimes go Unpunished.

Can't touch me, sucka's!
Let’s take a look at some other top villains from Disney, shall we?  Did Maleficent get away with her crimes?  No, she got impaled with sword.  Did Scar get away with murdering his brother?  No, his nephew came back to avenge his father’s death and he was torn to shreds by hyenas. Did Chernabog succeed in his dark dastardly deeds?  No, he was stopped by the sunrise and a church choir.  Did the, often underappreciated, Horned King from “The Black Cauldron” use the Black Cauldron to rule the kingdom?  No, he got sucked into the cauldron and was never seen or heard from again!  The Coachman gets away with everything; the kidnapping, the human trafficking, the animal abuse, and not to mention the possibility other horrible crimes.  Even when Pinocchio get’s turned into a real boy does he tell Gepetto about all the horrible things that go down on Pleasure Island? No!!!  What the hell is wrong with Pinocchio? Did he forget that Lampwick—the closest thing he had to a real friend—was transformed into a donkey and probably sold off as cheap labor?  Don’t you think his mother is worried to death about him and just wants him to come home?  Seriously, Jiminy Cricket couldn’t remind him of that horrible ordeal?  Some conscience is of you ask me.  Glad to know he taught Pinocchio nothing about empathy.

     So there are my 5 Reasons why The Coachman from “Pinocchio” is the Most Terrifying Disney Villain ever.  I hope you enjoyed this list and stay tuned for more Disney Villain Countdowns coming up here on “Asylum for Nerds”.


  1. Probably the more scary thing is that the Coachman is not molesting any of the kids.
    To this monster all they are is resources. Money. As hes ushering them onto the island hes already seeing them as donkeys. Profit.
    Yes. The coachmen is one of the scariest of the Disney villains and one of the few to ever get away with it. And its worse in the books even! Pinoccio is eventually sold to a drummer who drowns the donkey so he can SKIN him!!! Lamwick/Candlewick is sold to a farm, toiling away for years and finally dies from exhaustion. yeebus!

  2. In the movie his crime's go unpunished. However in earlier drafts deleted scenes they do go punished. For example in the NES game Pinocchio pushes him off a cliff.

  3. To much focus on the Coachman,.. The whole bit revolves around the simple moral that the boys who neglect their studies, thinking only to sate their immediate desires mostly Do spend the rest of their lives qualifying for the hot heavy lifting labor.(heehaw)
    The fellows who stayed with their books mostly go on to dignified professions. The world is full of coachmen, ready and willing to make use of these low wage laborers.

    1. This is a great. I've actually never considered that before. What a very interesting and well put perspective. Thank You.

  4. I agree, that's the first comforting thing I've ever heard in regard to the whole donkey business. Still traumatized me as a child though!