Monday, January 26, 2015

5 "How the Hell was that a Hit?" Songs (PT. I)

5 "How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs (PT. I)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     With all the different genres and artists in music today, it’s safe to say that there are some pretty diverse tastes in music today.  Every year, thousands of songs get released to the general public: some become popular hits, some get ignored and fade into obscurity, and then there are those songs that become hits that some people love, but other people seem to hate.  The songs aren’t necessarily bad, but when you look back at them you say to yourself, “You know, this wasn’t even that good of a song”.  So today we are listing 5 songs that make people say “How the Hell was that a Hit?” songs.  The songs are listed in no particular order, so enjoy

1.) Da Da Da by Trio

In 1982, German New Wave Band Trio released the track “Da Da Da” and it became a hit in Europe and even broke the Top 40 on the U.S. Billboard charts (peaking at #33). The song lyrics and the way the song is sung sound like the bands singer Stephan Remmler is on a date with a really uninteresting woman.  Thoughout the song you can hear Remmler saying “Uh-huh” followed by a long pause and then “Uh-Huh” again.  Not only that but the guitar riff in the song is just a slowed down version of “La Bamba”.  “Da Da Da” was the only U.S. hit for Trio, and it has been used in television commercials most notably for Volkswagen.

2.) The Name Game by Shirley Ellis

This track has had a bit of a resurgence since it was performed on the popular American Television Series “American Horror Story: Asylum”, but back in 1964 this song hit #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 Charts.  However, in Retrospect this is a childish song!  I’ll be honest, I did not know this was an actual song recorded by an actual singer to be played on the radio, the reason why is because I always remember singing this song in pre-school and I also remember Elmira Duff singing it in an episode of “Tiny Toon Adventures”.  I always thought that it was written for a children’s music CD by some unknown singer-songwriter because it is a song that is completely childish. I have no idea how the hell “The Name Game” became so popular.

3.) Believe by Cher

I know Cher is one of the Most Popular and Successful Recording Artists of All-Time, but her 1998 #1 Hit song “Believe” is so overrated.  I know why people thought this song was so good because it was one of the first recorded song to ever use a new form of technology called “Auto-Tune”, and everyone was blown away by how it made Cher’s voice sound so different and unique, and everyone thought that Auto-Tune was going to revolutionize the music industry...And you know what, they were right!  Auto-Tune COMPLETLEY changed the music industry.  In fact, it changed the music industry, and we’re all sick of hearing Auto-Tune now because it gave talentless hack like T-Pain and Ke$ha music “careers”.  So thanks for ruining pop music Cher!  I hope you’re happy!

4.) Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows by Lesley Gore

The first time I ever heard this song was on a TV show and I thought it was a joke/parody track because the lyrics were so corny and dumb!  Then learned the unfortunate truth that this was an actual song that was recorded with intentions of being as a non-novelty pop song AND it reached #13 on the Billboard Hot 100’s in 1965.  The song is sung by singer Lesley Gore (who is known more famously for singing “It’s My Party”) and was produced by Quincy Jones: the same man who Produced Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” and WON 27 GRAMMY AWARDS!  What the f*ck was going on in the 1960’s that made the world declare a desire to hear stupid hippie Bubble-Gum Pop tracks?

5.) Who Let the Dogs Out? By the Baha Men

Oi vey is this song a mess!  The shouting repetitive chorus from this cover song by the Baha Men “Who let the the dogs out?/ Who? Who? Who? Who?” made this track absolutely inescapable in the early 2000’s.  It was a song that was played at Sporting Events, TV Shows, and was even used in the “Rugrats in Paris” movie.  Most bizarre of all; “Who Let the Dogs Out?” won a Grammy for Best Dance Recording in 2001.  This song is a loud obnoxious mess, and if anyone dare let’s the dogs out around me then they are getting put down!

What did you think of this List?  Do you Agree?  Are there other songs you think should’ve been on this list?  Let me know in the comment section, and I will possibly include them on my Part II of this Countdown series.  

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

5 Films that All Bros Love

5 Films that all Bros Love

By: Brian Cotnoir

‘Sup?  Well last week I counted down the 5 Films that All White Girls Love, so this week I decided to go after the next demographic: Bros.  This Army of popped collar polo shirt wearing douchebags has been a part of mainstream culture on many colleges and universities throughout the U.S.  They are a group that is typically looked down upon (and for good reason), and we are going to countdown the 5 Films that All Bros Love.  And to be fair, like I was with my 5 Films that All White Girls Love, I am going to have a way to rank how much of a Bro you are.

  • 0 Films- Not a Bro
  • 1 Film-  Possibly the woman of a Bro, but still far from being a bro
  • 2 Films- You still got a long way to go, bro!
  • 3 Films- This could be the beginning of a Budding Bro-mance
  • 4 Films- Stereotypical, Bro
  • 5 Films- You are polo shirt wearing, acoustic guitar playing, Natty Ice chugging, Horn dog.  You are the f*cking man, Broseph!

5.)  Office Space

Ladies Love the "O" Face
This film features one of the most popular films posters in any campus store.  It has adorned the walls of many Bros dorms rooms, and is actually one of the quintessential films that All Bros have seen.  This film is ideal for any Bro who ever had to take an internship or had to take a summer job at some boring office.  What bro hasn’t thought of trashing the office fax machine while blasting the Geto Boyz “Still”?  Oh, and this film also features one of the Bro-iest characters in film, Drew.  Bros love Drew, and Bros like to show girls their “O-Face”.

4.)  Scarface

Every Bro enjoys a good film about a Tough as nails Cuban-American drug lord!  And at some point in every Bros life they have unzipped their pants and shouted, “Say Hello to My Little Friend!”

3.)  Animal House

But of course, this list would not be complete without “Animal House”; the original Bro film.  Since it’s release in 1978, every bros ultimate goal was to go to college, join a fraternity, and get totally wasted while wearing a toga!  What else is there to say about this film other than Toga! Toga! Toga! TOGA! TOGA TOGA!!!!!!!

2.)  The Godfather

Not all Bro films are violent and trashy; some are classy as f*ck, man.  In fact, not only is this film beloved by Bros, but it is also loved and respected by many members of the film community (including the Academy).  So why do Bros love “The Godfather” so much?  Well for one thing, Don Vito Corleone is like the Ultimate Bro, bro.  He started from the bottom and now he’s here.  He is respected by his crew and even some of his enemies.  In some respects he is a picture perfect definition of class, elegance, and power, while at the same time having an I-don’t-take-sh!t-from-anyone attitude.  Even Michael Corleone is a role model for beginner bros.  They may not have what it takes to be one of the Bros at first, but with time and proper grooming (and ton of Bud Light) he too can become top bro!

1.)  Fight Club

What Every Bro thinks they look like
There are two moments in every Bros life:  Their life before seeing “Fight Club” and their life after seeing “Fight Club”.  This film has inspired every Bro to strive to be more like Tyler Durden, who is like a Super Hybrid of Jesus and Chuck Norris.  On more than one occasion a Bro (usually after he’s totally plastered) has said to their friend at the Beer Pong Table, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can”.  Hell, some Bros even go as far as to hold their own personal Fight Clubs in the basements at their Frat House.  It is the Ultimate Bro Film, and gets the blood of every Bro boiling and ready for anything...especially a fight!

5 Films that All White Girls Love

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

5 Films that All Basic White Girls Love

5 Films that Basic All White Girls Love

By: Brian Cotnoir

Have you ever been in a night club with your friends and at some point in the night screamed: “Oh My God!  This is my song!”?  Then you might be a Basic White Girl.  Have you ever purchased a Taylor Swift album or poster?  Then you might be a Basic White Girl. Have you ever taken an excessive amount of selfies while doing a “duck-face” and posting them all over Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook? Well then you’re most likely a Basic White Girl.  White girls a demographic of people who seem to dominate all forms of media, and films are no exception.  Sometimes a film doesn’t have to be good because if white girls love it, it will go on to be more successful and popular than ever imagined, and today we are counting down the 5 Films that All White Girls Love.  Now when I say “5 Films that All White Girls Love”, I don’t mean all white girls, I mean 5 films that typically enjoyed by females of the Caucasian demographic.  So I have devised a clever and easy to follow rating system for this film.

  • 0 Films- Not a White Girl
  • 1 Film-  You’re (ex)girlfriend probably made you watch this one
  • 2 Films- Everybody has their guilty pleasures, but still far from a being a white girl
  • 3 Films- That’s Pretty White guuuurrrrrrrlllllll
  • 4 Films- You are a Stereotypical White Girl
  • 5 Films- Girl, you are whiter than a cheese sandwich being eaten by an albino in a snow storm!

5.)  Dirty Dancing

This one’s for the older white girls on the list.  Since its release in 1987 scores of white girls have fantasized about a young good looking dance instructor teaching them how to dance, and saying to their parents “Nobody put’s Baby in the corner”.

Ryan Gosling knows what the ladies want too

4.)  The Hunger Games (and other films based off of Y.A. Novels)

No Young Adult Novel can be successful unless they can reach the White Girl Demographic, and those Young Adult Novels typically get turned into .  Now there are a number of Young Adult novels that hold a special place in the hearts of white girls including Twilight which appeals to pre-teen and older sexually repressed white girls and the Harry Potter Series, which appeals to Teenage white girls who have younger brothers, but most recently Suzanne Collins Hunger Games novels have found a special place in the hearts of white girls who find the book/films protagonist Katniss Everdeen to be so relatable.

3.)  Pitch Perfect

Oh wow, do white girls love Musicals and show-tunes, and when they can’t be performing in a Musical or seeing one on stage in a theatre, they are watching film adaptations of musicals or Glee on DVD for the hundredth time!  Now there are a number of different musical films I could’ve put in this spot like “Rent” or “Moulin Rouge”, but I decided the most obvious film to put on this list is “Pitch Perfect” because it features a bunch of regular white girls singing a Capella, no instrumental abilities required, they just make everyone happy by using their make beautiful sounding music that is!

2.)  Mean Girls

Since its release in 2004 “Mean Girls” has become the most quoted film for white girls.  What white girl hasn’t dreamed of being the perfect combination of nice and b!tchy like Regina George?  Plus, during Halloween you can usually find a group of white girls on a college campus dressed as the Plastic from the movie.  This is the one movie about white girls, for white girls, by white girls.

1.)  The Notebook

This is warning for all the guys:  If you ever go over a girl’s house and dorm and see that she has a poster of “The Notebook” hanging in her room that is your warning to not date that girl!  Why?  Because not only is she going to make you watch “The Notebook” but she is going to try to compare everything you do in your relationship off of what happens in the film (and she’ll secretly be fantasizing about Ryan Gosling while you have sex).  This is loved by white girls, and only girls...I’m not joking.  Have you ever met a black woman, a Hispanic woman, an Asian woman, or a guy (who wasn’t forced to watch it by his girlfriend) who claims that they love or have ever seen “The Notebook”.  “The Notebook” itself is not a good or entertaining film, and it owes all of its success to white girls.  White girls are the only thing that has kept “The Notebook” from being a film that faded into total obscurity.

Now I hope you all aren’t mad at me for writing this article, but if you are, I do sincerely apologize if you found this to be offensive, and fear not because the next Top 5 I’m going to write is the “Top 5 Films that All Bros/Frat Boys Love”.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

5 Critically Acclaimed films that are actually just porn in disguise

5 Critically Acclaimed films that are actually just porn in disguise

By: A. Aleister Sirrat

     Hello All, Sirrat in the Hat here.  Long time no chat.  Well, my dear friend Das Film Junkie told me he was going to talk about adult films that are disguised as High End Artsy films, and I told that amateur to sit back and leave this list to a professional.  Who the hell does he thinks he is?  This blog already has a writer who reviews soft-core porn (ME!) and I’ll be damned if he thinks I’m going to let him infringe upon my territory.  Plus, he owes me this one for tricking me into watching “A Serbian Film”.  So where to begin? It seems every now and then a film emerges (usually from Europe) that gains worldwide notoriety and gets called “The Latest & Greatest Masterpiece in Cinema”, when in all actuality the film is just some horrendous excuse to make some high-class overrated porn.  Because remember: if you give porn a plot & a budget, and you set it in Europe, you can call it art! So here is my list of 5 critically acclaimed films that are actually just porn in disguise.

5.)  The Exterminating Angels

You can’t have a list of adult films posing as Artsy films without taking a journey to France.  Why is it that the French always seem so open to sexual exploration?  I think it goes beyond being a cultural thing, I actually think it’s in their bloody DNA.  Nowhere is this more apparent than in the 2006 film, “The Exterminating Angels” (which still sounds less like the title of a porno, and more like an episode of Doctor Who).  I honestly could not tell you what the plot of this film is and not just because I don’t speak French, but because the excessive amounts of nudity in this film make it very distracting.  From what I’ve gathered the film is about some old French Director who reminds me of Serge Gainsbourg, but is not played by Serge Gainsbourg, who pretty much goes around asking girls half his age if you can video tape them “pleasuring” themselves for a “documentary” he’s making.   So yeah this films isn’t so much “artistic” as it is “voyeuristic”.  However, this is not the only poor attempt France has made to pass an adult film off as Art.

4.)  Blue is the Warmest Colour

From one pretentious French Film to another let’s talk about “Blue is the Warmest Colour”.  This film gained a lot of popularity and notoriety in Europe in 2013.  In one the prestigious Palme d’Or Award at the Cannes Film Festival.  It was also nominated for a Golden Globe and BAFTA Award for Best Foreign Language Film.  The film is based off of a 2010 graphic novel of the same name by Julie Maroh, and tells the story of a woman named Adele who has her first sexual encounter with an older boy at her high school when she was 15, and then progresses into her sexual awakening and how she realized that she is attracted to women, and her first lesbian relationship with an older artist named Emma, and pretty much just focuses on all the important life milestones Adele has between the ages of 15 to her late 20’s early 30’s.  “Blue is the Warmest Colour” is absolutely perfect.  The film was very well made, the cinematography is gorgeous, the characters are memorable, and the story is just phenomenal.  However, this film does feature a number of graphic sex scenes.  The first one goes for 3 minutes, then the second one goes on for a stunning 11 minutes, and then followed by two more sex scenes in the film that are between 5-6 minutes each.  This film is almost 1/6 just sex scenes.  The scene where Adele and Emma make love for the first time took 10 days to film!  That means the two main actresses showed up for work every day for almost two weeks took all their clothes off and pretended to have sex with each other in front of the director and film crew...@_@...Jesus Christ!  Most Adult films don’t put that much thought or planning into their films, and they took 10 days to film just this one scene!  This may be what many—myself included—to be the Best Film of 2013, but it still features a number of scenes that borderline on Hardcore porn.

3.)  Last Tango in Paris

From a two films from France to an Italian Film set in France.  This was the film that started it all: the film that was about nothing other than two strangers in a room having sex.  “Last Tango in Paris” is the story of an American widower (played by Marlon Brando) who begins a sexual relationship with a young Parisian woman (played by Maria Schineider).  The sexual relationship between Brando and Schneider’s characters is an anonymous one: they don’t exchange names or personal info, and just start to shag.  This film was surrounded by controversy upon its initial release in 1972, and to this day I still can’t eat look at a stick of butter without feeling a little bit aroused.

2.)  Nymphomaniac Volume I & II

Lars Von Trier: some people regard him as a cinematic genius, others call him a complete f*cking psycho who love to torment his actors and crowds of people who go to see his films.  Now Von Trier did grow up in a nudist colony so that probably explains why his films typically deal with matters including exploration of the body and of ones sexuality.  He used these themes in his films “Antichrist” and “Melancholia”.  However, Von Trier’s most blatant use at disguising porn as Art is in his two part film: “Nymphomaniac Volume I & II”.  “Nymphomaniac Volume I & II” is the story of a young woman named Joe (Played by Charlotte Gainsbourg aka the Worst Actress in All of Europe) who is telling her story of how she became a nymphomaniac to a man named Seligman (played by Stellan Skarsgard).  What most impressive about both of these films is that they are both almost 3-hours long!  That’s a lot of f*cking story to talk about f*cking for 6 hours.  There are more close ups of male and female genitalia (of all shapes, sizes, and colours) in these two films than I have seen in any other film. How this film has not been classified as pornography is beyond me.

1.)  Room in Rome

Yes, believe it or not there is a film that is more artistic and pornographic than two Lars Von Trier films.  Here’s the plot to the 2010 Italian Romance-Drama “Room in Rome”:  Two girls studying in Rome—one a Spanish Lesbian named Alba, and an amateur model from Russia named Natasha—decide to spend their last night in Rome together. It starts off with innocent conversation, but it quickly grows into something more.  Alba wishes to spend a night of passion with Natasha, but she is unsure.  Natasha claims she has a fiancĂ©e back home, but she also expresses that she may be bi-curious.  The two girls decide to make their last night in Rome a special occasion that they will never forget and share a night of secret sharing and passionate love making...That plot sounds more like an Erotic Fantasy written by a 14-year-old boy than it does a serious Drama, am I right?  I mean the first fifteen minutes of “Room in Rome” start out slow and boring, but once Alba and Natasha share that first together it becomes all HLA and T&A (which I was completely all right with, for the record).  This film fails miserably at trying to get you to think that it is a work of Art.  You can’t show me two nude gorgeous women on film touching one another, and expect me to take it seriously.  Even the dialogue in this film sounds like it comes from porn: “You know, I know plenty of women who have tried it once with a woman...and they never want to go back to men” and “I think it would work better if you undressed me first”.  And when the dialogue isn’t trying to sound erotic, it comes off as extremely pretentious; like it’s trying to convince you that you’re intelligent and sophisticated just for watching this film.  Trust me lads, this is not a film you want to show your wife or girlfriend when they say that want to watch a “Romance Picture”.

So there you have it: 5 Critically Acclaimed Films that actually just porn in disguise.  I hope you all enjoyed my list and be sure to check out some of the articles I’ve written here on Asylum for Nerds.  Until Next Time, this is Sirrat in the Hat.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

5 Songs that You've Probably Forgot About Until You Read This Article

5 Songs that You’ve Probably Forgot About Until You Read This Article
By: Brian Cotnoir

I was an 80’s kid (Born 4 days before they tore down the Berlin Wall), who was raised in the 1990’s, and went through puberty in the 2000’s.  In that time I was introduced to so many different musical artists and tracks.  Some of them have stood the test of time and can still be hear on the radio today.  Other’s disappeared into obscurity as One-Hit Wonders, and then there were a few of them who had their 15 minutes of fame—Literally!  Some of these artist were like the biggest deal one minute—getting played on the radio and having their music videos shown on MTV & VH1—and then the next minute they faded away into obscurity never to be heard from again.  Then every now and then you’ll get a cool, good DJ on the radio who will start playing this one song that you remember LOVING when it first came out, and until the moment you heard it playing on the radio had forgotten that song had ever existed, and today I am here to invoke memories of some of those Nostalgic Tracks of not too long ago, and hopefully get you thinking about those bands and artists again, and get you listening to them once again.

1.) Upside Down by the A-Teens (2000)

In the late 90’s-early 2000’s when the airwaves and MTV were dominated with Boy Bands like the Backstreet Boys and N-Sync, and Pop stars like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, an unlikely pop-group form Sweden emerged and became popular with pre-teens and anyone who watched Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel.  This group was known as the A-Teens, and it consisted of four teenagers from Sweden, who did Pop covers of one of Sweden’s Most Popular All-Time Groups, ABBA.  They started in the late 90’s with covers of popular ABBA tracks like “Mama Mia” and “Dancing Queen”.  However, the biggest hit they had was an original song known as “Upside Down”, which I remember being the first time we ever heard the two male members of the group actually sing lines in one of the songs (because in all their previously released songs you could only hear the two girls in the band sing).  A-Teens popularity in the U.S. really fizzled out by the early 2000’s, as they were seen more as a Radio Friendly Musical Act performing songs for Disney Movies and Disney TV Specials.  However, I remember liking them as a kid, and I still think this is a good song today as well.

2.)  Butterfly by Crazy Town

Before Linkin Park the White Boy Rap Metal Group of choice was Los Angeles’s Crazy Town.  Crazy Town’s biggest hit “Butterfly” was released in late 2000 and featured the bands two front men Seth “Shifty” Binzer and Bret “Epic” Mazur rapping about a girl they love who they view as a beautiful butterfly.  Crazy Town managed to make “Buttefly” even more popular by sampling another L.A. bands song “Pretty Little Ditty” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.  “Butterfly” may be corny and cheesy by today’s standards, but it still hit #1 in 15 different country’s (including the U.S.) upon its release, so it has to have some merit.

3.)  Another Dumb Blonde by Hoku

Do you remember the movie “Snow Day”?  That feature-length live action movie that Nickelodeon Studios released in the winter of 2000 that featured Josh Peck, Chevy Chase, and Iggy Pop?  There was a song that was being played on Nickelodeon an awful lot that was being used to co-promote the film, and that song was “Another Dumb Blonde” by Hoku.  Hoku is actually the daughter of Popular Hawaiian musician Don Ho, and during a time when there was so much controversy over the “over sexualization” of teen pop-stars like Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, Hoku’s squeaky clean image was a welcomed change by many parents.  So why didn’t Hoku turn into a huge star like the other Pop Diva’s.  Well to be honest—in Retrospect—this isn’t really that good of a song, and more importantly it had absolutely NOTHING to do with the plot of the film.  Every time you saw the trailer for this film as a kid, this song was always playing in the background, and the music video for “Another Dumb Blonde” was constantly being shown on TV featured clips from the movie, but again they had almost nothing to do with one another.  Having “Another Dumb Blonde” on the soundtrack for “Snow Day” makes about as much sense as hearing Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off” in the trailer for “Amistad”.  So if you forgot about, this song all together, it’s understandable, because it was pretty underwhelming track.

4.) Fill Me In by Craig David

Before Chris Brown and Trey Songz, but after R. Kelly and Usher we had Craig David, an English R&B singer (who many people thought was actually American).  “Fill Me In” was the first single released off of Craig David’s debut album Born To Do It, and was also the first of two #1 singles he would have (the other being “7 Days”.  I mean, it’s amazing that with all the success he had with his debut album, and all the radio play he received in the early 2000’s, and he still couldn’t manage to stay popular in the U.S.  I find that to be very sad because I wish more American Pop Radio stations would play artist like Craig David because he is an wonderful singer in my opinion.

5.)  Shaniqua (Don’t Live Here No More) by Little T & One Track Mike

Probably the Most Obscure track on this list, but I remember seeing the music video for this song being played a lot on MTV in the summer of 2001.  Little T & One Track Mike are a Hip-Hop Duo from New Jersey, and I can only describe the two of them as the Text Book Definitions of “Wiggers”.  This song is stupid, it’s immature, and the Music Video that accompanies the song is even more stupid and more immature.  I think if Youtube, had been around when this song was recorded than Little T & One Track Mike could’ve become Internet Celebrities like Denny “Blazen” Hazen, and would most likely have received a “Web Redemption” on Tosh.0.  This song is 100% novelty and easily one of the dumbest and worst songs ever recorded.

So I hope this list brought back some fond nostalgic memories for all of you, and if you think there are other “forgotten” songs that you think I should talk about on Asylum for Nerds, just leave me a vid link in the comment section.  Thank You All, and I hope you enjoyed this list.