Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Top 5 Worst Avril Lavigne Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Avril Lavigine Lyrics:

By: Brian Cotnoir

I remember when I first saw Avril Lavigne on TV back when I was in middle school.  She was this cute, but fun looking Punk-Pop Princess, who wrote and sang her own songs.  She was the exact opposite of other female popstars of the time like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera...then two albums later she completely contradicted everything she claimed on her first album, and became everything she implied she would never become; a pop music diva sellout. It’s so weird how the songs she wrote and recorded when she was 17 are so much deeper and better than the songs she writes as an adult...maybe marrying Chad Kroeger just sucked out all her remaining talent(?).  Well today I am here to countdown the worst lyrics Avril Lavigine has written to date.

5.) Anything but Ordinary

This song is called “Anything But Ordinary”, but these lyrics are pretty ordinary (ordinarily bad to be more specific).  Just the opening line alone:

“Sometimes I get so weird/I even freak myself out/I laugh myself to sleep it’s my lullaby”

Those lines sound like something a moody teenager would post on their MySpace Page back in the early 2000’s.  That’s just awful 

4.) Happy Ending

From one brooding emo girl song to another one.  This songs title may sound like a dirty massage parlor story, but actually it sounds more like a bad poem you’d find in an angsty 12-year-old girls diary.  The worst lyrical offender in “Happy Ending” is:

“This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told/No Hope or love or glory/Happy Ending’s gone forevermore”

Wow, she sounds like she’s really trying to force an Edgar Allen Poe reference there.  One thing’s for certain, when this song finally comes to an end, it’s a happy ending for all who are forced to listen to it.

3.) Hello Kitty

Of course Avril Lavigine would have a song about “Hello Kitty”; I mean it’s approximately 1/3 of the merchandise sold at the Hot Topic where she buys all her clothes, but man oh man is this this a bad song.  Just take a look at these lyrics:

“Come come Kitty Kitty/you’re so pretty pretty/Don’t go Kitty Kitty/play with me”

This is God Awful case of Cultural Misappropriation.  It has next to nothing to do with the Hello Kitty brand.  It sounds more like a song a cat owner makes up and says to their cat when they want their cut to stop being a jerk and come sit with them.  These song lyrics are so moronic and cheesy that it makes “Smelly Cat” from “Friends” sound like freaking Mozart!

I'd rather hear "Goodbye, Avril!"

2.) Girlfriend

Okay, seriously how the hell did Avril Lavigne go from writing a well thought out song like “Complicated” when she was 17 and then revert back to this preteen garbage.  I refuse to believe that any self-respecting adult could write anything this bad.  This song (once again) sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old.

“Hey, hey, you, you I don’t like your girlfriend/no way, no way, I think you need a new one/hey, hey, you, you I could be your girlfriend/Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me/no way, no way, no, no it’s not a secret/hey, hey, you, you I want to be your girlfriend”

Okay Avril, I level with you: No...I do not want you to be my girlfriend.  I’d rather you just shut the f*ck up!  For someone who claimed they weren’t Preppy on their debut album and the importance of being honest and true to yourself you’ve certain come a long way to contradict every single thing your first album stood for.  

1.) Sk8er Boi

I’m so glad people don’t type like they used to on AIM anymore.  Hey remember back when Avril first came onto the scene and she presented herself as a Skate Punk Rocker? Well if it wasn’t obvious to you then maybe her song “Sk8er Boi” could make it more obvious for you.  It’s the story of a Skater Boy who once dated a Preppy girl and how her friends didn’t approve of him, and so she broke up with him, and now Avril’s with said Skater Boy and the two of them are happy. Okay, but seriously this:

“He was a skater boy/she said see you later boy/she had a pretty face/but her head was up in space/she needed to come back down to earth”???

What the hell Avril?  That is one of the worst rhyming clusters I’ve ever heard in a song.  This song is bad, which is to be expected of Ms. Lavgine, and it’s kind of sad.  She started out as a strong, independent, pop rock icon, but quickly switched over to the generic soulless, pop princess music genre.  For Shame on you Avril Lavigine, for shame!

Monday, January 11, 2016

Character Analysis: Brodie Bruce

Character Analysis: Brodie Bruce
By: Brian Cotnoir

Hello Friends, Long time no talk.  I have not done a Character Analysis in a very long time, so I figured now was just as good a time as ever to write and post one.  Kevin Smith is one of my Favorite Directors, and the popularity of his View Askew-niverse has brought us many awesome films and memorable (even sometimes likable) characters.  One of those memorable characters has to be Brodie Bruce from Kevin Smith’s 1995 cult favorite “Mallrats”.

CHARACTER: Brodie Bruce from “Mallrats” (1995) & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” (2001)

Brodie Bruce from "Mallrats"
Brodie Bruce is the best friend of T.S. Quint.  When we first meet Brodie he comes off as a childish, immature slacker who loves collecting comic books and playing Video Games.  Brodie’s girlfriend Rene breaks up with him because he is immature, lazy, lacks motivation, and is afraid to introduce her to his mother. After his break up he meets up with his good friend T.S. Quint down at the local mall where they try to forget about all their relationship problems.  All of Brodie’s dreams come true when he meets his idol, comic book legend Stan Lee, at the Mall one day (Lee was there doing a promotional autograph signing that Brodie was unable to get into).  After a brief discussion of Superhero genitalia, Lee tells Brodie the (fake) story of a love lost once long ago because he was more preoccupied with comic books then her, and how he’d give up all his fame and success just to have one more shot with her.  After hearing this touching speech from his idol, Brodie decides to pursue Rene and win her back from the snobby, a$$ hole men’s clothing store employee Shannon Hamilton (played by Ben Affleck).

Brodie gets advice from his Idol


Brodie is played by Actor Jason Lee...that’s all I really got to say about him for that.  Yes, he’s good in the role, and yes he’s funny, but I honestly don’t have anything else to say about his performance; except for...

Actor Jason Lee plays Brodie Bruce


Brodie is just like Randal Graves from “Clerks” (another Kevin Smith film).  Yeah, Brodie and Randal are pretty much the exact same characters.  They’re both lazy unmotivated, apathetic nerds, and act like total douchebags to everyone around them. They have a few distinctive differences (Brodie’s nerdy obsession is comic books and Randal’s is Star Wars, and Brodie’s better with the ladies), but honestly you could have replaced Brodie with Randal and the story still would have flowed the same.  I have heard that Brodie and Randal are actually cousins in Kevin Smith View-Askewniverse, however I could not find any quotes from Kevin Smith or Articles that would support that claim.  Smith, has gone on record to say that Brodie was inspired by his good friend Walt Flannagan, and that Brodie is named after Chief Martin Brody (from “Jaws”) and that his surname Bruce comes from the nickname of the mechanical shark from the film.

No, no, I would not, Brodie

Randal Graves from "Clerks II"


Good For you, Brodie :)
In the end both Brodie and his friend T.S. win back their girlfriend’s and, with the help of their friends Jay & Silent Bob, help get Shannon arrested for Statutory Rape.  According to the Post-Film credits, in “Mallrats”, Brodie went on to host “The Tonight Show” (with his girlfriend Rene as his bands leader).  However, in the film “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” we see that Brodie is no longer hosting the tonight show, but instead owns his own comic book shop called “Brodie’s Secret Stash”, and is the one that informs Jay & Silent Bob of the “Bluntman & Chronic” movie (which is a comic book based off of their lives) that is being made, and thus sends the stoner duo on an epic cross-country journey.