Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir
Hello All, it’s me again with another edition of “Worst Lyrics”, where I rank the Top 5 Worst Song Lyrics written by a Popular Artist, and well this week is a very special one because I get to tear into a musician I personally can’t stand.  There aren’t enough words to describe how much I LOATHE Billy Joel.  He’s a mediocre songwriter who sings about the problems of Upper class white people, and yet people revere him as a musical genius and rock icon, but in actuality this King of New York Frank Sinatra wannabe Sucks. So. Much.  Well today I am going to call out Billy Joel on all of his B.S. lyrics.  I find it a little ironic that he has a song called “Only the Good Die Young”; he’ll probably go on living forever because he is the worst.  Believe me nothing pains me more than having to listen to this hack in order to compile this list.  So without further ado here are the Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics.

5.) Uptown Girl

     Man, oh man do I hate “Uptown Girl”. I hate the melody, I hate the lyrics, I hate every single thing about it.  Billy Joel trying to play himself off as the “common man” trying to win over a socialite just makes me laugh.  The Worst Lyric from this song has to be the verse:

Uptown Girl/You know I can’t afford to buy her pearls/but maybe someday when my ship comes in/she’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been/and then I’ll win

Yes, because as every John Hughes movie has taught the nice, honest everyman always gets the rich powerful beauty.  Sorry Billy Joel, it looks like you’re going to have to suffer through the Horrors of an Upper-Middle Class White Family lifestyle, but hey the Lord knows we’ve already had to suffer through this stinker of a song.

4.) Scandinavia Skies

“Scandinavia Skies” is apparently about this one time Billy Joel tried Heroin in Amsterdam, and the feeling of how high he felt.  What’s funny is the song is called “Scandinavia Skies” and he references Amsterdam multiple times which is not a part of Scandinavia.  Sure, he references places that are part of Scandinavia like Stockholm and Oslo, but that does little to make up for these atrocious lyrics:

We had the Midas Touch/Until we met the Dutch/and they exhausted our supplies/whose to pay for this international flight/who could stay/we were only there for the night/we watched the power fall/Inside the Oslo hall/where all the Norwegians cried”.

I bet the Norwegians were crying over how painfully forced those lyrics were.

3.) Captain Jack

From a song about doing heroin to a song about a guy who sells heroin; the greatest lyrical sin that Billy Joel commits in the song “Captain Jack” is:

So you stand there on the corner in your New English clothes/and you look so polished from your hair down to your toes/Ahh, but still your finger is going to pick your nose/After All”.

What in the Frick is he talking about?!  Who the hell talks like this?  I’ve never heard anyone refer to a style of dress as “New English clothes” and what the hell is up with that line about picking your nose?  He sounds like some suburban tourist who wandered into the inner city for the first time and saw his first drug deal.  That line is too stupid even for Billy Joel’s standards.

2.) Piano Man

Dear God is he Homely! 
I am tired of hearing people praise the song “Piano Man”.  This song sucks!  There is little-to-no-thought put into this song, Billy Joel is just singing about what he sees at the bar.  Now some of you are probably saying “He’s not just singing what he sees, he’s singing about life” too which I’m going to respectfully disagree.  He’s singing about the terrible lives of people hanging out in some depressing dive bar.  I often wonder how John at the Bar must feel about having their private conversation be sung about.  However, there is one lyric from this song that I feel gets overlooked all too often:

Now Paul is a real estate novelist/who never had time for a wife/and he’s talking to Davy/whose still in the Navy/and probably will be for life”. 

Now once again, Billy Joel really tries his damndest to force a rhyme (Davy in the Navy?), I think that most people don’t ever stop to consider that there’s a distinct possibility that Paul and Davy might be lovers(?).  Maybe, I’m just crazy, but I think that there’s a reason why Paul never hard time for a wife, and Billy Joel just couldn’t figure that out for himself.  This song is incredibly stupid, but it is not the Worst Song Billy Joel has ever released, because that (dis)honor goes too...

1.) We Didn’t Start the Fire

I’m mad at “Family Guy” for making this joke before me...

But yeah they accurately sum up the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  He’s just saying random stuff and celebrities’ names.  I can’t even pick one line from this song because it’s all just Pop Culture references assembled into gibberish, so I’m going to say the whole song is the Worst Lyrics he’s ever composed.

Monday, July 20, 2015

5 "How the Hell was that Hit?" Songs (part II)

5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs (Part II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Well after the rousing success of my 5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs, I decided that the only logical thing to do is right a follow up article.  Now just a reminder, the songs on this list aren’t necessarily bad, but when you really take a look at a song and analyze things like lyrical content and rhythm, and melodies,  you really do have to scratch your head and ask: “How the Hell was this a Hit?”.  So here’s 5 songs that will make you asks that exact question (listed in no particular order).

1.) MMMM MMMM MMMM- Crash Test Dummies

Now I actually like the band Crash Test Dummies so I feel conflicted placing their most successful song “MMMM MMMM MMMM” on this list.  The song is about 3 kids whose lives freaking suck, and the only thing said about their terrible lives is MMMM MMMM MMMM.  Let’s be honest, this is probably the only song in the world where you have to hum the chorus.  Not to mention this is a difficult song to request.  I once heard a comedian on TV say: “Can you imagine the difficulty of shouting ‘we want to hear ‘MMMM MMMMM MMMM’ at a concert?’”. I mean it’s a great, well-written song, and there are no other songs I can think of that are like it, but yeah it has a weird chorus, and weird song title.

2.) Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani

Oh Gwen Stefani, how you’ve hurt me so.  When I was 11, I had a huge crush on you, when you were the lead singer of No Doubt. You were this tough, take no prisoners chick, and I loved you.  Then you broke my heart by branching of to be a solo artist, and nothing hurt more than when you released “Hollaback Girl”.  Seriously, how did you go from “Just a Girl” to “Hollaback Girl”?  Those two songs are like opposite ends of the spectrum.  This song is more like a cheerleader chant then it is a pop song, and I can’t believe how bad it is.  The only good thing that ever came from this song was it taught me how to spell bananas (and I have to sing that stupid line every time in order to do it).  Now will someone please tell Gwen Stefani that she is 45 and should stop making Pop Music and only sing for No Doubt?

3.) The Purple People Eater- Sheb Wooley

Sheb Wooley deserves a Special Award for his 1958 novelty rock song, “The Purple People Eater”.  I want to know how he came up with the idea to write the lyrics “It was a one-eyed/one-horned/flying purple people eater”.  That is probably the most bizarre subject/lyric ever written in the history of music.  But still listening to this track sung by Wooley (and a high-pitched One-Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater) has me scratching my head and asking: How the hell was this a hit?

4.) What’s Up- 4 Non Blondes

My parents used to play this song all the time when I was a kid, and even back then I couldn’t stand this song.  4 Non Blondes only hit song “What’s Up” feels like a 60’s rock song that was released 30 years too late.  A great deal of this song consists of the lines “Heyeyeyeyeye” and “ooooh ooooooh ooooh”, and I can’t believe that this became a hit song in the 1990’s.

5.) The Scatman- Scatman John

Okay, this one gets my vote for the Most Random Hit Song Ever.  It’s a combination of Electronic Dance Music and Scat singing...that has to the Strangest Combination of Musical Genres in History.  I mean just look at the singer of this song, Scatman John; he sounds like he’s trying to scat sing a techno song.  I mean, wow.  Only in the 90’s could a song like this have been a hit.  I mean...I’m at a loss for this one, I cannot find enough ways to describe to you all how strange this song is.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

There was a time when I was growing up in the late 1990’s to early 2000’s where radio, MTV, and indeed the world were dominated by Boy Bands.  I mean, it was huge.  I remember not being able walk into the record stores at the mall without seeing at least 3 posters or cardboard cutouts promoting those various boy bands.  Everyone from age 8-16 had a favorite boy band; most Boy Bands came from Orlando, Florida and were created by Lou Pearlman.  Groups like Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, and O-Town dominated the airwaves during this time.  However, there were a few Independent Boy Bands that started on their own, and one of those bands was LFO.  Now LFO (short for Lyte Funky Ones) wasn’t as big or as popular as the Backstreet Boys or N-Sync, but they did have some moderate success, and I think most people who were around during this time could tell you the title of at least one LFO song.  LFO is from Massachusetts (my home state) and so they definitely got more airplay around here then probably the rest of the country, and their popularity—in Massachusetts at least—were up there with other homegrown Boy Bands like New Kids on the Block and New Edition.  However, one disadvantage LFO had going against them was that they didn’t have some hired studio songwriter(s) writings lyrics for them, so  they wrote their own song lyrics and well...you know when a white boy records a Rap Demo in their basement and thinks they’re going to be the next Eminem?  Well LFO is kind of the Boy Band Equivalent of that, and today I will be counting down the Top 5 Worst LFO lyrics.

5.) Every Other Time

As far as LFO’s songs go this was their last Big Hit, and is—in my opinion—their least bad track.  It has a nice flow it to it, the vocals sound great, it’s not a bad song except for this one lyric and that lyric is: “but then I think about the time when we broke up before the prom/and you told everyone that I was gay, okay?”.  Not only is that line incredibly stupid, but it also doesn’t flow.  Even when you hear them sing that line it sounds incredibly forced and like they were struggling to make it work. Oh well, now that I’ve talked about the Best of the Worst of LFO, let’s now start working out way to the Worst of the Worst of LFO.

4.) Sex U Up (The Way You Like It)

Seeing as most fans of Boy Bands were girls in their teens and pre-teens the subject of sex never was never really sung about.  There were always sappy songs about being in love or falling in love, but sex was a subject that was almost forbidden to boy bands to sing about.  “Sex U Up (The Way You Like It)” was one of LFO’s earliest singles, and yeah there are is so much wrong with this song.  The worst lyrical offender to this track is “I wanna sex u up/come on let’s get it on tonight/said I wanna sex u up/come on now let’s get it on”.  My God, they sound like a bunch of loser virgins who are trying to convince people that they’ve had sex, sorry LFO but you aren’t fooling anyone.  Oh and I really despise your AOL Instant Messenger abbreviation of the word You.  Just because you wrote a bad song doesn’t give you an excuse for poor grammar.

3.) Girl on TV

If you wanted to find success as a boy band in the late 90’s early 2000’s you needed to have a soulful love song where every member of the group professed their love to one specific girl in the music video.  I have to give LFO props for this one though: most love songs from Boy Bands are sung about some anonymous girl who doesn’t actually exist, but the lyrics to “Girl on TV” were actually inspired by actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (who also appears in the music video).  How could Jennifer Love Hewitt not fall in love with any of the guys in this band who wrote and sang a beautiful song about her?  It must’ve been the lyric: “Shooby-doo-wop and Scooby snacks/met a fly girl and I can’t relax/the only problem is she’s a movie star, oh/my friends won’t believe me if they could only see me/at the risk of soundin’ cheesy/I fell for the girl on TV”.  “Shooby-doo-wop and Scooby snacks”? Really? Really LFO? Did you really think that would be a great line?  I could forgive that if you didn’t forget to write a line for a word that rhymes with star and didn’t try to force so many rhymes with the letter E in the rest of that verse, but I’m sorry LFO that one was just bad.

Sorry I couldn't get this actual music video

2.) I don’t want to kiss you goodnight

Apparently none of the members of LFO had any idea on what to do at the end of a date either.  This is made clearly evident from the their song “I don’t want to kiss you goodnight”.  “I don’t wanna kiss you goodnight/if a kiss means the night is over/I don’t wanna say goodbye no, no, no/girl I don’t love me standing at your door/when this night could lead to so much more”.  Okay, LFO let me explain something to you: if you go on a date and you don’t get a kiss at the end of the night it means they don’t like you.  If you like them, but you don’t kiss them they’re going to think you don’t like them.  And believe me LFO the goal at the end of the date is to get that kiss, and for it to lead to other things.  So the next time you go on a date with the girl, you kiss her so she wants to drag you in her bedroom so you can wrap it, tap it, and then scrap it.

1.) Summer Girls

This is the one LFO track that I think everyone knows.  To this day is still LFO’s most successful charting song, but it also features some of the most horrendous and nonsensical lyrics put together in a song.  Lines like “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits/Chinese Food Makes me sick” and “Hip Hop Marmalade/Spic and Span/met you one summer and it all began/You’re the Best Girl that I ever did see/the Great Larry Bird Jersey 33”???????????????? What the f*ck LFO?!  How do you go from telling a girl that you like her to professing your admiration for Basketball Hall of Famer Larry Bird?!  And that’s just the tip of the Iceberg of badness in this song.  All “Summer Girls” is, is a song that features a bunch of nonsense lyrics and obscure pop culture references.  This song’s so bad, that it can’t even be parodied, because it makes fun of itself so much.

As Much as I’ve bashed LFO and their inability to write good song lyrics this whole post, I feel I should mention, I don’t think they’re the Worst Boy Band Ever.  I don’t even think they’re a terrible band.  They were a group of friends that started a boy band and found some success, and they did the Best they could with what they had.  They did not have the money or exposure or the marketability of other Boy Bands like Backstreet Boys or N-Sync, but they did all right.  And when I was in college and heard that LFO’s front man Rich Cronin passed away from leukemia, I felt so sorry for him, and his family, and the remaining members of LFO, because I truly believed that someday they would make a comeback and go on a Retro Tour with other boy bands like New Kids on the Block, O-Town, and 98 Degrees.  So to the remaining members of LFO, I hope you are doing well for yourself.