Saturday, November 7, 2015

The Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics

The Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

Hey All.  So I don’t think anyone is as surprised as me of the recent popularity of my new segment “Top 5 Worst Lyrics”.  Usually my music related posts aren’t that popular or as well received as my film posts, but I have to say I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback for my Worst Lyrics articles.  However, one criticism I keep receiving is that I pick on popular artists that lots of people like that I just don’t care for at all.  So to be fair, I’ve decided to rip apart the lyrics of a band I really like.  From sophomore year of High School until the year I graduated after college I always had at least one poster of Kurt Cobain hanging in my room; I even once played bass in a Nirvana cover band (we weren’t all that good).  As much I am a fan of Nirvana, I can admit that not all of Kurt Cobain’s lyrics can be considered poetic gold. So here they are for you: the Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics Ever.  Now just to clarify, I’m not saying these songs are bad, I’m just saying that one or two lyrics that don’t sound as good or fit in well with the rest of the song.  So here we go.

5.) In Bloom

Now personally, this is one of my favorite Nirvana songs, but the lyrics are someone peculiar.  It is said by some that Kurt Cobain wrote the lyrics to “In Bloom” to make fun of fans of Nirvana who showed up to shows and could never sing the right lyrics.  Other reports say that the song is Cobain poking fun at his friend, Dylan Carlson.  The worst (and trust me, I’m using that term very thinly) lyrics in the song has to come from the chorus

He’s the one who likes all our pretty songs/and he likes to sing a long/and he likes to shoot his gun/but he knows not what it means”.

I always wondered why Cobain chose to end it with “He knows not what it means” instead of “but he don’t know what it means”?  I know plenty of people who always thought Cobain sang “but he don’t know what it means”, and to be honest I think it flows much better than the oddly jumbled “he knows not what it means”, but that’s just my opinion.

4.) All Apologies

This mournful ballad from Nirvana’s 1993 album “In Utero” has been very popular with fans of Nirvana since the death of Cobain.  But when you actually take a moment to examine the lyrics the song is just Cobain spitting out a bunch random and jumbled lyrics such as:

I’ll take all blame/aqua seafoam shame/sunburn with freezer burn/choking on the ashes of her enemy” 

Not to mention the song features a lot of repetitive lyrics such as:

In the sun/in the sun I feel as one” and the outro “all and all is all we are

I understand why people like this song, but I think it’s a more simplistic and less deep then most people think.

3.) Dumb

I used to own a poster of Kurt Cobain from MTV Unplugged and the poster featured lyrics from the Nirvana song “Dumb”, and I can’t tell you how many times I would look at that poster and say to myself “that’s a really dumb lyric”.  The lyric I am talking about:

I think I’m dumb/or maybe just happy/think I’m just happy

Which is it, Kurt?  Are you dumb or happy?  Is this like a reference to that old saying “Ignorance is Bliss” what is the meaning of this—as you put in—dumb lyric?

2.) On a Plain

I’m not sure if “On a Plain” can count as a song, because it just appears to be a bunch of garbled words sung together.  I mean just look at the opening lines:

I’ll start this off without any words/I got so high that I scratched till I bled

But wait it gets weirder than that

“My brother died every night/It’s safe to say/don’t quote me on that” and “Black Sheep got blackmailed again/forgot to put on the zip code”???

Then there’s one of the laziest choruses ever:

I’m on a plain/I can’t complain

Seriously, how high was Cobain when he wrote this song?

1.) Sliver

One thing, I’ve always heard about Kurt Cobain was that he was this deep, sensitive, progressive songwriter, well he proved to be none of those things on the song “Sliver”. The song is basically the story about a time when Cobain was a young child and his parent’s dropped him off at his grandparents so they could go out on a date.  Somehow, Cobain manages to make this first-world problem sound like a more serious issue.  The verses are to “Sliver are only 2-3 sentences long followed by Cobain shouting “Grandma take me home/Grandma take me home”.  I’m dead serious when I say this: I think “Sliver” is Nirvana’s version “Ob-La-Di, “Ob-La-Da”.

So there you have it: Those are the Top 5 Worst Nirvana lyrics, but even with all that terribleness, Nirvana is still one of the greatest and most influential American Rock Bands of All-Time.  Be sure to subscribe and join us again on another edition of “Top 5 Worst Lyrics”.

The Top 5 Worst Nicki Minaj Lyrics

Sunday, November 1, 2015

5 MORE Awesome Films that (almost) no one has heard of before (PART 2)

5 MORE Awesome films that (almost) no one has heard of before (PART II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

We’ve all been in this scenario before:  You’re talking to a group of friends or people about some film and then one person says “They’ve never heard of (or seen)” and then another person goes “Oh My God! You have to see it, it’s amazing!”.  Yes, we’ve all been in that conversation before.  Now here are 5 More Awesome films that(almost) no one has heard of before.

1.) Tokyo Gore School

Not to be confused with the film of the similar name “Tokyo Gore Police”, “Tokyo Gore School” has elements of Horror, Action, and Suspense.  Don’t let the title of this film fool you, it’s surprisingly not that gory.  The premise of “Tokyo Gore School” is actually one of the best I’ve ever heard of for a film: groups of students in Tokyo are beating up their classmates and taking their cellphones, so they can text their phone number to an unknown source, who then releases some of that person’s most personal and darkest secrets to everyone in their contact list.  The films primary focus is on popular high school boy named Fujiwara, and how he becomes the primary target of most of the students at his school.  When it starts off, only one boy is trying to take Fujiwara’s cellphone, but as the film progresses larger and larger groups of students do battle with Fujiwara.  “Tokyo Gore School” is an action packed thrill ride that features wonderful cinematography, a completely unique and original story, and some awesome fight choreography as well.  “Tokyo Gore School” is ideal for fans of Asian Cinema and fans of films like “Battle Royale” and “Grotesque”. 

2.) Ed Wood

Unless you’ve spent your entire life living under a rock, you’ve more than likely heard of writer/animator/director Tim Burton.  Burton is a figure beloved by many, and some of his films like “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Beetlejuice” have gone on to become cult classics and have developed loyal followings.  Burton is even known for his creative re-imagining’s of classic works of literature such as his adaptations of Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland” and Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, so it might seem strange to you that I’d be including one of Burton’s films on a list of unknown films (considering how well known he is).  However, I find that most people haven’t heard of or seen his film “Ed Wood”; a bio-pic on notorious director Edward D. Wood Jr.  The film was released in 1994 and is shot entirely in Black & White.  The film features in an All-Star Cast including Johnny Depp, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Martin Landau (who won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Horror Icon Bela Lugosi).  I actually consider “Ed Wood” to be one of—if not the—Best film Tim Burton has made to date, so if you truly consider yourself a fan of Tim Burton, then you must see “Ed Wood”.

3.) Five Minutes of Heaven

Five Minutes of Heaven” is an excellent TV movie that you can usually find on Netflix Instant.  It’s a film that focusses on the long lasting conflict in Northern Ireland between Protestant members of the Ulster Volunteer Force and the Catholic Irish Republican Army and stars Liam Neeson and James Nesbitt.  It’s the story of a man named Aleister Little (Neeson) who seeking forgiveness from Joe Griffin (Nesbitt), the younger brother of a man he murdered years earlier.  Unbeknownst to Neeson’s character, Joe has been waiting for the day he can meet Aleister Little so he can kill him and finally have his vengeance.  “Five Minutes of Heaven” has so much great build up and drama, and probably the best movie climax I have seen (so far).  Not to mention, Nesbitt and Neeson both give phenomenal performances.  If you have a chance to see, I highly recommend you check out “Five Minutes of Heaven”.

4.) Death Machine

The Oldest film on this list; “Death Machine” is a 1994 Sci-Fi Action film that can only be described as FanBoy Catering at its best.  Set in the distant future of 2003, the story follows a heroine Hayden Cale as she tries to stop an evil killer robot created by a disgruntled former employee (played by Brad Dourif).  The film was written and directed by Stephen Norrington, who worked on the first “Alien” film.  The film makes numerous references to “Alien”, “RoboCop”, and “Evil Dead”.  I wrote an article about “Death Machine” a few years back for another blog I am Chief Editor for, so if you’d like some more details on why this is a great film then I highly recommend you click the link below and check it out.

5.) Cherry

Cherry” is a 2010 Indie/Romance starring Kyle Gallner, Laura Allen, and Britt Robertson.  It’s the story of a boy named Aaron who is trying to escape the high expectations of his mother and form a new identity as an Ivy League Freshman.  Kyle ends up developing a crush on an older woman at one of his art classes at school named Linda.  The two quickly become friends, but things get a little complicated when Linda’s 14-year-old daughter Beth develops a crush on Aaron.  This film is fun and witty.  It’s a story we’ve seen time and time again, but with so many memorable and likeable characters, it’s almost impossible to enjoy the quirkiness and charm of “Cherry”.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

5 Surprisingly Good Songs from Rock Bands that Most People Hate

5 Surprisingly Good Songs from Rock Bands that Most People Hate
By: Brian Cotnoir

Here’s a Scenario I feel we’ve all been in: you’re at a bar or a restaurant with a group of friends there’s a DJ playing music or maybe there’s one of those MP3 Jukeboxes on the wall playing music, and then all of a sudden this one song starts to play and you groan out loud: “Ugggh! I hate this band so much! They just suck so hard!” as you cover your ears and can’t wait for the song to end.  Yeah, it’s pretty annoying, but I’m a person who believes that no matter how much you claim you hate a band (Or even a genre of music) you can usually find at least one song by that band that they like or think is pretty good, and I’m here to bring the attention to some good songs by bands that most people can’t stand.  Now seeing as I’m a fan of Rock Music, I’m only going to talk about Rock Bands on this list. So without further delay here are 5 Surprisingly Good Songs from Rock Bands that Most People Hate.

1.) I’m With You- Avril Lavigne

I remember when Canadian Singer Avril Lavigne first broke through in the mainstream.  She was this breath of fresh-air.  She was the Anti-Pop Star, she was tough, she was well spoken, she was cool, and she was not going to be one of those Pop-Princess Diva’s...and then by her second album she became all the things she said she would never be on her first album.  However, her first album did have a few good tracks, one of them being “I’m With You”, a song that let’s Lavigne show off her powerful vocal range and songwriting talents.  It even earned her two Grammy Nominations (including one for Song of the Year).

2.) Rockstar- Nickelback

Now we’re going to talk Avril Lavigne’s husband’s band.  I often hear people refer to Nickelback as “The Worst Rock Band of All-Time”, and I think that’s kind of extreme.  I don’t think Nickelback is bad; I just think they’re not as good as most people think.  There are plenty of bands out there that are way worse than Nickelback, and they actually have a couple okay songs. Probably the best song they have is “Rockstar”.  “Rockstar” is one of those songs that every single person on earth can relate too.  Everything they sing about in that song is all things people associate with the rock star life style, and name one person on earth that hasn’t dreamed about being a famous Rock Star? I honestly believe that if this song was played by any other band in the world it would be one of the biggest hits ever recorded, but instead most people pretend they hate it out of spite for the band Nickelback.   

3.) Celebrity Skin- Hole

Okay, let’s get something out of the way: nobody likes Courtney Love, and if you woke up one day and found out you were married to her, you’d blow your brains out too!  Courtney Love sucks, and so does her band Hole.  The only reason they ever got any attention is because she was married to Kurt Cobain, and that continues to be the only reason why anyone gives a crap about her.  “Celebrity Skin” is her band Hole’s most successful track, and I attribute that to the fact that the song was Co-Written by another one of Love’s former lovers, Bily Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins.  See, even when Billy Corgan writes only half-a-song it’s still better than anything Courtney Love could come up with by herself.

4.) Falls on Me- Fuel

I feel like the Alt-Rock Band Fuel was never supposed to be successful.  I think they should have been one of those bands that’s popular and only known in like 2-3 states, but then sometime in the early 2000’s a bunch of DJ’s must have got together and said to themselves; “Yeah why not these guys?  We can make them famous.  They don’t have to sound great; all we have to do is play them on the radio and some people will think they’re good”.  And have you ever heard a person say that they were fan of Fuel? Or that they were excited because Fuel was going to be playing at a local music festival?  No, you haven’t because nobody can remember why Fuel was so popular.  As much as I am bashing them, I should point out that they did have some success on Rock Charts in the early 2000’s, one of those was the track “Falls on Me” which follows the typical Post-Grunge Hit Music Formula (Quiet Opening Verse, Loud Chorus, Slightly louder verse, Loud Chorus, Guitar Solo, Screaming Chorus).  The only reason I think anyone remembers the band Fuel is because Chris Daughtry sang their song “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” on American Idol, which was on okay song at best.

5.) Harder to Breathe- Maroon 5

This was the first song I ever heard from Maroon 5.  I was surprised to find that there are none of the other songs on their debut album sound like “Harder to Breathe”.  Upon some recent internet searches, I found that the bands singer Adam Levine wrote the song to express his frustration with the bands record label, over the pressures and delays made prior to the release of their debut album “Songs about Jane”.  It’s funny how Adam Levine writing a song out of spite is better than pretty much anything else he’s written with Maroon 5.  Maybe Maroon 5 would have a lot better songs if more people started pissing off Adam Levine. 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

An Open Letter to Harley Quinn

Dear Harley Quinn,
    I’ve seen all the buzz about you appearing in the upcoming “Suicide Squad” film.  I know a lot people are excited to see you finally on the big screen, and I wanted to let you know that from the bottom of my heart...I do not like you at all.  Actually, I take that back, it’s not that I don’t like you Harley Quinn, it’s that I CANT STAND YOU!  And no, this isn’t me just being an internet troll trying to get a rise out of you; I legitimately can’t stand you and find you to be very annoying.  My dislike for you goes back, all the way back to your creation.  You see when I was 5-years-old my life was simple and grand:  My mom would pick me up from the bus stop after school, and I’d come home have a snack and watch “Animaniacs” and then my favorite: “Batman: The Animated Series”.  Even as a little boy I found you annoying, Harley.  I loved the Joker, but every time you’d show up, I’d think to myself “Oh Great, She’s Back”. As an adult learning that you were a creation of the show and not an original comic book villain just further justified my beliefs that you were an unnecessary addition to the show.           
Now some would argue that you were just there to appeal to new female audience members, who wouldn’t normally watch the show, seeing as Batman is a very male dominated comic book series.  I’m going to call shenanigans on that because the comic book series already had the female characters Poison Ivy and Catwoman long before you were even thought of, and they are way hotter than you.  Some may also claim you were there in the show as “comedic relief”, and again, I’m going to have to call shenanigans on that.  The show already had comedic relief, and that came from The Joker.  Seriously, Mark Hammill was both hilarious and frightening as the voice of The Joker in “Batman: The Animated Series”, and even he found you annoying in the show!  So many times I saw you him tell you to go away in the show. I even recall one episode where he through you out a window because he found you to be so annoying.  Why couldn’t you just take a hint that no one wanted you around, Harley?          
At least 20 couples just like this at every single Con
Besides that Harley, you’re a Fangirl, and I don’t think there is anything more annoying than a Fangirl.  So you’re obsessed with The Joker, Harley.  That’s really you’re only distinguishable character trait.  You are obsessed with The Joker, you are in love with The Joker, and you want to be with The Joker, so what?  You’re Fangirl catering only got more annoying after Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight” was released in theaters and Fangirls all around the world were dressing up as Harley Quinn while they’re boyfriends dressed up like Heath Ledger’s Joker.  This little stunt I found to be particularly annoying.  You weren’t even in “The Dark Knight”, so how the hell can you Cosplay as a Harley Quinn to a Heath Ledger Joker when you don’t even exist in the Christopher Nolan trilogy!!!!! You’re not even mentioned in any of those films!     Well Harley, the “Suicide Squad” film hasn’t even been released yet, and already there’s talk about what a hit it’s going to be.  I’m sure it will be a hit too, just as I’m sure that you will continue to be annoying, and useless, and an unnecessary Fanboy/Fangirl catering service!  I dare you Harley to prove me wrong. Go on.  Prove. Me. Wrong!


     Das Film Junkie

Friday, August 28, 2015

A Tribute to my Favorite Driver Justin Wilson

A Tribute to Favorite Driver Justin Wilson
By: Brian Cotnoir

     When a driver is killed during a race everything seems to slow down and the garage area at the track seems much smaller.  When I was a little kid I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up more than anything in the world, but things change and you get older and you head down different paths.  Even though I never raced anything past quarter-midgets I never lost my passion for racing, and still watched it as an avid fan.  As a fan of racing I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I’ve shared the excitement of drivers experiencing the thrills of victory and the agony of defeat.  I’ve also experienced the tragedy of watching a driver lose his life during a race.  I’ve seen many great drivers like Greg Moore, Dale Earnhardt. Sr, and Dan Wheldon lose their lives during a race, and now I’ve experience another great tragedy, the loss of my favorite IndyCar driver, Justin Wilson.

          When I first started following IndyCar more closely a few years back I remember being very intrigued by this English race car driver named Justin Wilson.  He wasn’t the best driver, he didn’t drive for the best team, but he was always a competitive driver and always had this strong charismatic presence on TV.  I’d watch the Indy race pre-show just knowing that at some point they were going to interview him, and he was going to say something witty and amusing.  Justin Wilson was my favorite Indy car driver for all of those reasons.  I admired him not just for his driving abilities, but for his charisma and humor, and his pure passion for the sport.  I remember the excitement I felt back in 2012 when I saw him pull the upset victory (and final win of his career) at Texas Motor Speedway when he was driving for Dale Coyne Racing.  I’m going to miss watching him race, and the pre-race show just won’t feel the same without Justin around to interview.  You see Race car drivers and their fans have a very unique bond.  Racing is one of the few sports out there where all the competitors run the risk of being seriously injured or losing their lives.  Yes, athletes in other sports like basketball, football, hockey, and baseball all run the risk of being injured during competition, but very rarely is it a life threatening injury.  Also, the Auto Racing Schedule is spread through almost the entire year.  Every Weekend, we invite the drivers into our homes on our television; it almost feels like you’re getting a visit from a cousin or a very good friend.  You see them interview the drivers, and the drivers let us get glimpse into what their lives are at home and what they’ve been up to. You feel more like you’re catching up with them than anything.  Then there is the most important difference that sets racing apart from all the other sports.  In sports like baseball and football players (typically) associate with members of their own team only on game day, but in racing all the drivers are friends and indeed part of a great, big racing family.  They may drive for different teams and manufacturers, but before and after the race they are all part of the same family.  

     And so the racing community has to mourn the loss of one its Best & Brightest drivers.  For the rest of my life I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch another IndyCar race or pre-show without wishing that Justin Wilson was still alive today and there, but knowing now that on the same day we lost him, his organs was used to save six other people, is the most amazing way I can think of to honor Justin’s memory.  It won’t be just the pictures and videos that will keep his memory alive; there are 6 people in the world that are still alive today because of Justin Wilson.

We’re going to miss you Justin, Godspeed.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

The Top 5 Worst Nicki Minaj Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Nicki Minaj Lyrics
By: Brian Cotnoir

Hello all, it’s me again here with a brand new edition of “Top 5 Worst Lyrics”, where I point out how stupid and awful the lyrics written by some of the most popular bands and recording artists in the world.   Now unlike my last article where I tore apart that no talented hack Billy Joel, I decided to pick an artist I’m completely indifferent towards: Nicki Minaj.  Now Nicki Minaj has some good songs, she has some weird songs, and then she has songs that make you go “What the hell is she saying?!  Did I hear that correctly?!  I personally don’t have anything against Nicki Minaj; I can understand why people like her music, but there’s no denying that her lyrics aren’t always on par.  And I’m not the only one who feels this way.  Watch any of the Rap Critics Videos on Youtube, and you will see the depth of the awkwardness of Nicki Minaj’s lyrics.  Now I just want to point out that the songs on this list are just from songs that only feature Nicki Minaj, so any bad lyrics she may have sang when she was featured on another artists track will not appear on this list.

5.) Anaconda

I remember the first time I heard this song (and saw the music video) on Youtube and I thought it was stupid, and I was made even more upset when I heard the misused sampling of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”.  Now my opinion on this song has slightly changed.  I still think it’s a stupid song, but every time I hear it, I find that it’s stuck in my head for 3 days and I’m humming it in public.  So I’ve got to give Nicki Minaj credit for coming up with a catchy song. However, I can’t give her credit for this terrible lyric from the second verse of the song

This dude named Michael used to ride motorcycles/dick bigger than a tower/I aint talking about Eiffel’s

Oh what a mess this lyric is, where do I begin?  The first thing that comes to mind is this stupid name rhyming song I learned in kindergarten—one of the lyrics was “Michael, Michael on a motorcycle”—so the fact that Nicki Minaj may have drawn inspiration from a lyric written for 5-year-olds is a little concerning.  The second part of that lyric “dick bigger than a tower/I aint talking about Eiffel’s”.  This is contradictory lyric; first Nicki tells us this guy’s junk is bigger than a tower, but then she says, but it wasn’t bigger than the Eiffel Tower.  The Eiffel Tower stands at height of 986 feet, so from that hint, we can assume is junk is smaller than 986 feet, but I still want to know why doesn’t Nicki tell us what tower that his d!ck is bigger than?  Oh, and one more thing about “Anaconda”: I don’t think the stuff she says in the outro can be considered lyrics because she’s just laughing like a moron and shouting out gibberish!

4.) Starships

“Starships” is one of Nicki Minaj’s stranger songs (and that’s REALLY saying something).  It has a catchy chorus, and verses that I swear she made up on the spot in the studio, because I honestly think there was little-to-know effort put in before they recorded this song.  I mean just look at this lyric:

Jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop/I own that/and I aint paid my rent this month/I owe that/but f*ck who you want, f*ck who you like/Dance our life/there’s not end in sight/Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

First of all I have a very difficult time believing that someone who’s as famous and successful as Nicki Minaj has difficulty making her rent payment.  Also, she owns a Pink $400,000 Lamorghini!  That is like the furthest thing you can have from a hoopty hoop!  I find it rather comedic that she’s still trying to portray herself as being another common person when she’s constantly bragging about and showing off her vast wealth.  And again, I find it concerning that she’s drawing influences from songs written for 5-year-olds (this time in the form of “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”)

3.) Your Love

Oh the obligatory love song that all recording artists or forced to make, you know the one where they make it sound like they’re super in love with someone who doesn’t even exist.  What other logical reason could there be for this ridiculously stupid and offensive lyric:

Anyway I think we met in the sky/When I was a Geisha and he was a Samurai/Somehow I understood him when he spoke Thai

Oh Nicki, I wish someone would have pointed out to you sooner that Geisha’s and Samurai’s are both Japanese and have NOTHING to do with Thailand. They are two entirely different cultures with different languages and everything!  I can’t believe your studio let you release a line with a lyric that stupid! And speaking of Stupid...

2.) Stupid Hoe

Let’s take a look at some of the lyrics to her song “Stupid Hoe”:

You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe/You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe/You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe

Okay that’s as dumb as it is repetitive, but let’s take a look at some of the other lyrics:

Ice my wrists and I piss on bitches/you can suck my diznik if you take the jizzes”(???????????????????????????) this is a diss song aimed at Lil’ Kim, but I don’t really see how this is a diss to someone like Lil’ Kim because if one thing has been made apparent by these lyrics it’s that Nicki Minaj is the stupid hoe, and not Lil’ Kim.

1.) I Endorse These Strippers

Now, I’m not surprised that Nicki Minaj has a song where she’s endorses strippers because I think it’s more than safe to assume that many strippers work to the music of Nicki Minaj.  However, this song isn’t that sexy, and in fact the least sexy lyric from “I endorse these strippers” has to be:

Oooooh, Boobs, Boobs, Boobs, Boobs, lotta boobs

Now, I know some of you are saying to yourselves “Yeah, Rap Critic already ripped apart this song lyric before”, and you are correct.  Hey, even a critic whose as opinionated as myself can point out when another critic beat him to it and/or did a much better job at it, so instead of me attempting to point out how stupid this lyric is, just watch the Rap Critics video below for the Best Analysis of how stupid this lyric is.

Rap Critics Take on "I Endorse These Strippers"

Well Nicki, I’m sorry I bashed you so much, but just know I only do it out of hope that you will see the error of your ways and put out better songs and raps like we all know you’re capable of.  You have the skill and the ability, Nicki, come on we all know you can do better than this!

Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir
Hello All, it’s me again with another edition of “Worst Lyrics”, where I rank the Top 5 Worst Song Lyrics written by a Popular Artist, and well this week is a very special one because I get to tear into a musician I personally can’t stand.  There aren’t enough words to describe how much I LOATHE Billy Joel.  He’s a mediocre songwriter who sings about the problems of Upper class white people, and yet people revere him as a musical genius and rock icon, but in actuality this King of New York Frank Sinatra wannabe Sucks. So. Much.  Well today I am going to call out Billy Joel on all of his B.S. lyrics.  I find it a little ironic that he has a song called “Only the Good Die Young”; he’ll probably go on living forever because he is the worst.  Believe me nothing pains me more than having to listen to this hack in order to compile this list.  So without further ado here are the Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics.

5.) Uptown Girl

     Man, oh man do I hate “Uptown Girl”. I hate the melody, I hate the lyrics, I hate every single thing about it.  Billy Joel trying to play himself off as the “common man” trying to win over a socialite just makes me laugh.  The Worst Lyric from this song has to be the verse:

Uptown Girl/You know I can’t afford to buy her pearls/but maybe someday when my ship comes in/she’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been/and then I’ll win

Yes, because as every John Hughes movie has taught the nice, honest everyman always gets the rich powerful beauty.  Sorry Billy Joel, it looks like you’re going to have to suffer through the Horrors of an Upper-Middle Class White Family lifestyle, but hey the Lord knows we’ve already had to suffer through this stinker of a song.

4.) Scandinavia Skies

“Scandinavia Skies” is apparently about this one time Billy Joel tried Heroin in Amsterdam, and the feeling of how high he felt.  What’s funny is the song is called “Scandinavia Skies” and he references Amsterdam multiple times which is not a part of Scandinavia.  Sure, he references places that are part of Scandinavia like Stockholm and Oslo, but that does little to make up for these atrocious lyrics:

We had the Midas Touch/Until we met the Dutch/and they exhausted our supplies/whose to pay for this international flight/who could stay/we were only there for the night/we watched the power fall/Inside the Oslo hall/where all the Norwegians cried”.

I bet the Norwegians were crying over how painfully forced those lyrics were.

3.) Captain Jack

From a song about doing heroin to a song about a guy who sells heroin; the greatest lyrical sin that Billy Joel commits in the song “Captain Jack” is:

So you stand there on the corner in your New English clothes/and you look so polished from your hair down to your toes/Ahh, but still your finger is going to pick your nose/After All”.

What in the Frick is he talking about?!  Who the hell talks like this?  I’ve never heard anyone refer to a style of dress as “New English clothes” and what the hell is up with that line about picking your nose?  He sounds like some suburban tourist who wandered into the inner city for the first time and saw his first drug deal.  That line is too stupid even for Billy Joel’s standards.

2.) Piano Man

Dear God is he Homely! 
I am tired of hearing people praise the song “Piano Man”.  This song sucks!  There is little-to-no-thought put into this song, Billy Joel is just singing about what he sees at the bar.  Now some of you are probably saying “He’s not just singing what he sees, he’s singing about life” too which I’m going to respectfully disagree.  He’s singing about the terrible lives of people hanging out in some depressing dive bar.  I often wonder how John at the Bar must feel about having their private conversation be sung about.  However, there is one lyric from this song that I feel gets overlooked all too often:

Now Paul is a real estate novelist/who never had time for a wife/and he’s talking to Davy/whose still in the Navy/and probably will be for life”. 

Now once again, Billy Joel really tries his damndest to force a rhyme (Davy in the Navy?), I think that most people don’t ever stop to consider that there’s a distinct possibility that Paul and Davy might be lovers(?).  Maybe, I’m just crazy, but I think that there’s a reason why Paul never hard time for a wife, and Billy Joel just couldn’t figure that out for himself.  This song is incredibly stupid, but it is not the Worst Song Billy Joel has ever released, because that (dis)honor goes too...

1.) We Didn’t Start the Fire

I’m mad at “Family Guy” for making this joke before me...

But yeah they accurately sum up the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  He’s just saying random stuff and celebrities’ names.  I can’t even pick one line from this song because it’s all just Pop Culture references assembled into gibberish, so I’m going to say the whole song is the Worst Lyrics he’s ever composed.

Monday, July 20, 2015

5 "How the Hell was that Hit?" Songs (part II)

5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs (Part II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Well after the rousing success of my 5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs, I decided that the only logical thing to do is right a follow up article.  Now just a reminder, the songs on this list aren’t necessarily bad, but when you really take a look at a song and analyze things like lyrical content and rhythm, and melodies,  you really do have to scratch your head and ask: “How the Hell was this a Hit?”.  So here’s 5 songs that will make you asks that exact question (listed in no particular order).

1.) MMMM MMMM MMMM- Crash Test Dummies

Now I actually like the band Crash Test Dummies so I feel conflicted placing their most successful song “MMMM MMMM MMMM” on this list.  The song is about 3 kids whose lives freaking suck, and the only thing said about their terrible lives is MMMM MMMM MMMM.  Let’s be honest, this is probably the only song in the world where you have to hum the chorus.  Not to mention this is a difficult song to request.  I once heard a comedian on TV say: “Can you imagine the difficulty of shouting ‘we want to hear ‘MMMM MMMMM MMMM’ at a concert?’”. I mean it’s a great, well-written song, and there are no other songs I can think of that are like it, but yeah it has a weird chorus, and weird song title.

2.) Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani

Oh Gwen Stefani, how you’ve hurt me so.  When I was 11, I had a huge crush on you, when you were the lead singer of No Doubt. You were this tough, take no prisoners chick, and I loved you.  Then you broke my heart by branching of to be a solo artist, and nothing hurt more than when you released “Hollaback Girl”.  Seriously, how did you go from “Just a Girl” to “Hollaback Girl”?  Those two songs are like opposite ends of the spectrum.  This song is more like a cheerleader chant then it is a pop song, and I can’t believe how bad it is.  The only good thing that ever came from this song was it taught me how to spell bananas (and I have to sing that stupid line every time in order to do it).  Now will someone please tell Gwen Stefani that she is 45 and should stop making Pop Music and only sing for No Doubt?

3.) The Purple People Eater- Sheb Wooley

Sheb Wooley deserves a Special Award for his 1958 novelty rock song, “The Purple People Eater”.  I want to know how he came up with the idea to write the lyrics “It was a one-eyed/one-horned/flying purple people eater”.  That is probably the most bizarre subject/lyric ever written in the history of music.  But still listening to this track sung by Wooley (and a high-pitched One-Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater) has me scratching my head and asking: How the hell was this a hit?

4.) What’s Up- 4 Non Blondes

My parents used to play this song all the time when I was a kid, and even back then I couldn’t stand this song.  4 Non Blondes only hit song “What’s Up” feels like a 60’s rock song that was released 30 years too late.  A great deal of this song consists of the lines “Heyeyeyeyeye” and “ooooh ooooooh ooooh”, and I can’t believe that this became a hit song in the 1990’s.

5.) The Scatman- Scatman John

Okay, this one gets my vote for the Most Random Hit Song Ever.  It’s a combination of Electronic Dance Music and Scat singing...that has to the Strangest Combination of Musical Genres in History.  I mean just look at the singer of this song, Scatman John; he sounds like he’s trying to scat sing a techno song.  I mean, wow.  Only in the 90’s could a song like this have been a hit.  I mean...I’m at a loss for this one, I cannot find enough ways to describe to you all how strange this song is.