5 Other Great songs by One-Hit Wonders (Part II)

5 Other Great Songs by One-Hit Wonders (Part II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Hello all.  Well once again I’m here to talk about something I’m particularly fond of—at least musically—One-Hit Wonders!  You know, I’ve always been intrigued by the term “One-Hit Wonder; I think in order for any band or artist to have any success they need to have some credibility and/or fan following.  Just because they didn’t maintain popularity in the mainstream doesn’t mean they don’t have any other good songs in their set list.  And now I’m back here again to bring you another edition of 5 Other Great Songs by “One-Hit Wonders”.

1.) Say it isn’t so by The Outfield

YOU KNOW THEM FOR:

Since my days in college I’ve slowly seen 1980’s English New Wave band, The Outfield, gain more and more popularity in the United States.  Of course, their biggest and most well-known hit has to be “Your Love”—a song with an opening riff so simplistic than even a talent-less hack like me could figure out how to play it on guitar in under 5 minutes—but this isn’t the only good song.  For me personally, I think The Outfield’s best track has to be “Say it isn’t so”; an awesome rock ballad about trying to find lost love again.  I’m actually surprised that this wasn’t a bigger follow up hit to “Your Love”.  I think at the very least The Outfield should have been popular in the US until the Grunge Movement went mainstream.

2.) Miserable by Lit

YOU KNOW THEM FOR:

Lit is that band that you’ve heard of that you just aren’t aware you’ve heard of.  Pretty much everyone knows them for their popular song “My Own Worst Enemy”, but they have one other song that I actually think is better.  “Miserable” is a more somber and much heavier song, and really the own reason most people know this song is because of the accompanying music video that features the band sing on top of a giant bikini-clad Pamela Anderson.  “Miserable” also features one of the best opening lyrical verses in the history of rock:

“You make me cum/you make me complete/you make me completely miserable”

This is a perfect song or any person whose been broken up with a person who everyone had already told them was wrong for them.  I thoroughly enjoy this song whether I’m watching it’s hilariously entertaining music video or listening to it on the radio in my car.

3.) Tsunami by Steriogram

YOU KNOW THEM FOR:

This New Zealand Punk-Pop Quartet got famous after their song was sampled for an early IPod commercial, and I know so many people who try to sing this song as fast and as well as the bands vocalist Tyson Kennedy (but I can’t be the only one that’s realized the songs opening riff is just a sped up verson of Green Day’s “Warning”).  However Steriogram has a number of other great songs such as “White Trash”, “On and On”, and “Tsunami”.

4.) Shelf in the Room by Days of the New

YOU KNOW THEM FOR:

When you’re debut single spends a (then) record 16 Weeks in the #1 spot on Billboards Hot Mainstream Rock Tracks, it’s going to be hard to follow that act up.  However, I think the bands singer/songwriter/guitarist Travis Meekes found the perfect counter track with “Shelf in the Room”.  It’s more mellow, more somber, and has some more serious lyrical content, but still rocks as hard as “Touch, Peel, and Stand”.

5.) Heavy by Collective Soul  

YOU KNOW THEM FOR:

Georgia Alt Rock band, Collective Soul had the unfortunateness of being a Post-Grunge Band when mainstream radio listeners were starting to move away from that distinctive sound.  They are known primarily for the heavy distorted rock track “Shine”, but they actually have a great number of songs that keep them playing on the 90’s Alt Rock Festival circuit with bands like Eve 6, Smashmouth, Gin Blossoms.  One of those tracks is “Heavy”.  If you played NHL 2001 back in the day on the Original Sony PlayStation you remember hearing this song playing every time you started playing the game.  It’s a great song with a fast heavy riff and is every bit as enjoyable “Shine”.

5 Other Great Songs by One-Hit Wonders (Part I)

The Top 5 Worst Avril Lavigne Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Avril Lavigine Lyrics:

By: Brian Cotnoir

I remember when I first saw Avril Lavigne on TV back when I was in middle school.  She was this cute, but fun looking Punk-Pop Princess, who wrote and sang her own songs.  She was the exact opposite of other female popstars of the time like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera...then two albums later she completely contradicted everything she claimed on her first album, and became everything she implied she would never become; a pop music diva sellout. It’s so weird how the songs she wrote and recorded when she was 17 are so much deeper and better than the songs she writes as an adult...maybe marrying Chad Kroeger just sucked out all her remaining talent(?).  Well today I am here to countdown the worst lyrics Avril Lavigine has written to date.

5.) Anything but Ordinary

This song is called “Anything But Ordinary”, but these lyrics are pretty ordinary (ordinarily bad to be more specific).  Just the opening line alone:

“Sometimes I get so weird/I even freak myself out/I laugh myself to sleep it’s my lullaby”

Those lines sound like something a moody teenager would post on their MySpace Page back in the early 2000’s.  That’s just awful 

4.) Happy Ending

From one brooding emo girl song to another one.  This songs title may sound like a dirty massage parlor story, but actually it sounds more like a bad poem you’d find in an angsty 12-year-old girls diary.  The worst lyrical offender in “Happy Ending” is:

“This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told/No Hope or love or glory/Happy Ending’s gone forevermore”

Wow, she sounds like she’s really trying to force an Edgar Allen Poe reference there.  One thing’s for certain, when this song finally comes to an end, it’s a happy ending for all who are forced to listen to it.

3.) Hello Kitty

Of course Avril Lavigine would have a song about “Hello Kitty”; I mean it’s approximately 1/3 of the merchandise sold at the Hot Topic where she buys all her clothes, but man oh man is this this a bad song.  Just take a look at these lyrics:

“Come come Kitty Kitty/you’re so pretty pretty/Don’t go Kitty Kitty/play with me”

This is God Awful case of Cultural Misappropriation.  It has next to nothing to do with the Hello Kitty brand.  It sounds more like a song a cat owner makes up and says to their cat when they want their cut to stop being a jerk and come sit with them.  These song lyrics are so moronic and cheesy that it makes “Smelly Cat” from “Friends” sound like freaking Mozart!

I'd rather hear "Goodbye, Avril!"

2.) Girlfriend

Okay, seriously how the hell did Avril Lavigne go from writing a well thought out song like “Complicated” when she was 17 and then revert back to this preteen garbage.  I refuse to believe that any self-respecting adult could write anything this bad.  This song (once again) sounds like it was written by a 12-year-old.

“Hey, hey, you, you I don’t like your girlfriend/no way, no way, I think you need a new one/hey, hey, you, you I could be your girlfriend/Hey, hey, you, you, I know that you like me/no way, no way, no, no it’s not a secret/hey, hey, you, you I want to be your girlfriend”

Okay Avril, I level with you: No...I do not want you to be my girlfriend.  I’d rather you just shut the f*ck up!  For someone who claimed they weren’t Preppy on their debut album and the importance of being honest and true to yourself you’ve certain come a long way to contradict every single thing your first album stood for.  

1.) Sk8er Boi

I’m so glad people don’t type like they used to on AIM anymore.  Hey remember back when Avril first came onto the scene and she presented herself as a Skate Punk Rocker? Well if it wasn’t obvious to you then maybe her song “Sk8er Boi” could make it more obvious for you.  It’s the story of a Skater Boy who once dated a Preppy girl and how her friends didn’t approve of him, and so she broke up with him, and now Avril’s with said Skater Boy and the two of them are happy. Okay, but seriously this:

“He was a skater boy/she said see you later boy/she had a pretty face/but her head was up in space/she needed to come back down to earth”???

What the hell Avril?  That is one of the worst rhyming clusters I’ve ever heard in a song.  This song is bad, which is to be expected of Ms. Lavgine, and it’s kind of sad.  She started out as a strong, independent, pop rock icon, but quickly switched over to the generic soulless, pop princess music genre.  For Shame on you Avril Lavigine, for shame!

The Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics

Character Analysis: Brodie Bruce

Character Analysis: Brodie Bruce

By: Brian Cotnoir

Hello Friends, Long time no talk.  I have not done a Character Analysis in a very long time, so I figured now was just as good a time as ever to write and post one.  Kevin Smith is one of my Favorite Directors, and the popularity of his View Askew-niverse has brought us many awesome films and memorable (even sometimes likable) characters.  One of those memorable characters has to be Brodie Bruce from Kevin Smith’s 1995 cult favorite “Mallrats”.

CHARACTER: Brodie Bruce from “Mallrats” (1995) & “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” (2001)

Brodie Bruce from "Mallrats"

Brodie Bruce is the best friend of T.S. Quint.  When we first meet Brodie he comes off as a childish, immature slacker who loves collecting comic books and playing Video Games.  Brodie’s girlfriend Rene breaks up with him because he is immature, lazy, lacks motivation, and is afraid to introduce her to his mother. After his break up he meets up with his good friend T.S. Quint down at the local mall where they try to forget about all their relationship problems.  All of Brodie’s dreams come true when he meets his idol, comic book legend Stan Lee, at the Mall one day (Lee was there doing a promotional autograph signing that Brodie was unable to get into).  After a brief discussion of Superhero genitalia, Lee tells Brodie the (fake) story of a love lost once long ago because he was more preoccupied with comic books then her, and how he’d give up all his fame and success just to have one more shot with her.  After hearing this touching speech from his idol, Brodie decides to pursue Rene and win her back from the snobby, a$$ hole men’s clothing store employee Shannon Hamilton (played by Ben Affleck).

Brodie gets advice from his Idol

THE ACTOR:

Brodie is played by Actor Jason Lee...that’s all I really got to say about him for that.  Yes, he’s good in the role, and yes he’s funny, but I honestly don’t have anything else to say about his performance; except for...

Actor Jason Lee plays Brodie Bruce

CHARACTER IS SIMILAR TOO OR INSPIRED BY:

Brodie is just like Randal Graves from “Clerks” (another Kevin Smith film).  Yeah, Brodie and Randal are pretty much the exact same characters.  They’re both lazy unmotivated, apathetic nerds, and act like total douchebags to everyone around them. They have a few distinctive differences (Brodie’s nerdy obsession is comic books and Randal’s is Star Wars, and Brodie’s better with the ladies), but honestly you could have replaced Brodie with Randal and the story still would have flowed the same.  I have heard that Brodie and Randal are actually cousins in Kevin Smith View-Askewniverse, however I could not find any quotes from Kevin Smith or Articles that would support that claim.  Smith, has gone on record to say that Brodie was inspired by his good friend Walt Flannagan, and that Brodie is named after Chief Martin Brody (from “Jaws”) and that his surname Bruce comes from the nickname of the mechanical shark from the film.

No, no, I would not, Brodie

Randal Graves from "Clerks II"

FATE OF THE CHARACTER:

Good For you, Brodie :)

In the end both Brodie and his friend T.S. win back their girlfriend’s and, with the help of their friends Jay & Silent Bob, help get Shannon arrested for Statutory Rape.  According to the Post-Film credits, in “Mallrats”, Brodie went on to host “The Tonight Show” (with his girlfriend Rene as his bands leader).  However, in the film “Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back” we see that Brodie is no longer hosting the tonight show, but instead owns his own comic book shop called “Brodie’s Secret Stash”, and is the one that informs Jay & Silent Bob of the “Bluntman & Chronic” movie (which is a comic book based off of their lives) that is being made, and thus sends the stoner duo on an epic cross-country journey.

The Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics

The Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

Hey All.  So I don’t think anyone is as surprised as me of the recent popularity of my new segment “Top 5 Worst Lyrics”.  Usually my music related posts aren’t that popular or as well received as my film posts, but I have to say I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback for my Worst Lyrics articles.  However, one criticism I keep receiving is that I pick on popular artists that lots of people like that I just don’t care for at all.  So to be fair, I’ve decided to rip apart the lyrics of a band I really like.  From sophomore year of High School until the year I graduated after college I always had at least one poster of Kurt Cobain hanging in my room; I even once played bass in a Nirvana cover band (we weren’t all that good).  As much I am a fan of Nirvana, I can admit that not all of Kurt Cobain’s lyrics can be considered poetic gold. So here they are for you: the Top 5 Worst Nirvana Lyrics Ever.  Now just to clarify, I’m not saying these songs are bad, I’m just saying that one or two lyrics that don’t sound as good or fit in well with the rest of the song.  So here we go.

5.) In Bloom

Now personally, this is one of my favorite Nirvana songs, but the lyrics are someone peculiar.  It is said by some that Kurt Cobain wrote the lyrics to “In Bloom” to make fun of fans of Nirvana who showed up to shows and could never sing the right lyrics.  Other reports say that the song is Cobain poking fun at his friend, Dylan Carlson.  The worst (and trust me, I’m using that term very thinly) lyrics in the song has to come from the chorus

“He’s the one who likes all our pretty songs/and he likes to sing a long/and he likes to shoot his gun/but he knows not what it means”.

I always wondered why Cobain chose to end it with “He knows not what it means” instead of “but he don’t know what it means”?  I know plenty of people who always thought Cobain sang “but he don’t know what it means”, and to be honest I think it flows much better than the oddly jumbled “he knows not what it means”, but that’s just my opinion.

4.) All Apologies

This mournful ballad from Nirvana’s 1993 album “In Utero” has been very popular with fans of Nirvana since the death of Cobain.  But when you actually take a moment to examine the lyrics the song is just Cobain spitting out a bunch random and jumbled lyrics such as:

“I’ll take all blame/aqua seafoam shame/sunburn with freezer burn/choking on the ashes of her enemy” 

Not to mention the song features a lot of repetitive lyrics such as:

“In the sun/in the sun I feel as one” and the outro “all and all is all we are”

I understand why people like this song, but I think it’s a more simplistic and less deep then most people think.

3.) Dumb

I used to own a poster of Kurt Cobain from MTV Unplugged and the poster featured lyrics from the Nirvana song “Dumb”, and I can’t tell you how many times I would look at that poster and say to myself “that’s a really dumb lyric”.  The lyric I am talking about:

“I think I’m dumb/or maybe just happy/think I’m just happy”

Which is it, Kurt?  Are you dumb or happy?  Is this like a reference to that old saying “Ignorance is Bliss” what is the meaning of this—as you put in—dumb lyric?

2.) On a Plain

I’m not sure if “On a Plain” can count as a song, because it just appears to be a bunch of garbled words sung together.  I mean just look at the opening lines:

“I’ll start this off without any words/I got so high that I scratched till I bled”

But wait it gets weirder than that

“My brother died every night/It’s safe to say/don’t quote me on that” and “Black Sheep got blackmailed again/forgot to put on the zip code”???

Then there’s one of the laziest choruses ever:

“I’m on a plain/I can’t complain”

Seriously, how high was Cobain when he wrote this song?

1.) Sliver

One thing, I’ve always heard about Kurt Cobain was that he was this deep, sensitive, progressive songwriter, well he proved to be none of those things on the song “Sliver”. The song is basically the story about a time when Cobain was a young child and his parent’s dropped him off at his grandparents so they could go out on a date.  Somehow, Cobain manages to make this first-world problem sound like a more serious issue.  The verses are to “Sliver are only 2-3 sentences long followed by Cobain shouting “Grandma take me home/Grandma take me home”.  I’m dead serious when I say this: I think “Sliver” is Nirvana’s version “Ob-La-Di, “Ob-La-Da”.

So there you have it: Those are the Top 5 Worst Nirvana lyrics, but even with all that terribleness, Nirvana is still one of the greatest and most influential American Rock Bands of All-Time.  Be sure to subscribe and join us again on another edition of “Top 5 Worst Lyrics”.

The Top 5 Worst Nicki Minaj Lyrics

5 MORE Awesome Films that (almost) no one has heard of before (PART 2)

5 MORE Awesome films that (almost) no one has heard of before (PART II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

We’ve all been in this scenario before:  You’re talking to a group of friends or people about some film and then one person says “They’ve never heard of (or seen)” and then another person goes “Oh My God! You have to see it, it’s amazing!”.  Yes, we’ve all been in that conversation before.  Now here are 5 More Awesome films that(almost) no one has heard of before.

1.) Tokyo Gore School

Not to be confused with the film of the similar name “Tokyo Gore Police”, “Tokyo Gore School” has elements of Horror, Action, and Suspense.  Don’t let the title of this film fool you, it’s surprisingly not that gory.  The premise of “Tokyo Gore School” is actually one of the best I’ve ever heard of for a film: groups of students in Tokyo are beating up their classmates and taking their cellphones, so they can text their phone number to an unknown source, who then releases some of that person’s most personal and darkest secrets to everyone in their contact list.  The films primary focus is on popular high school boy named Fujiwara, and how he becomes the primary target of most of the students at his school.  When it starts off, only one boy is trying to take Fujiwara’s cellphone, but as the film progresses larger and larger groups of students do battle with Fujiwara.  “Tokyo Gore School” is an action packed thrill ride that features wonderful cinematography, a completely unique and original story, and some awesome fight choreography as well.  “Tokyo Gore School” is ideal for fans of Asian Cinema and fans of films like “Battle Royale” and “Grotesque”. 

2.) Ed Wood

Unless you’ve spent your entire life living under a rock, you’ve more than likely heard of writer/animator/director Tim Burton.  Burton is a figure beloved by many, and some of his films like “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Beetlejuice” have gone on to become cult classics and have developed loyal followings.  Burton is even known for his creative re-imagining’s of classic works of literature such as his adaptations of Lewis Carroll’s “Alice in Wonderland” and Washington Irving’s “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, so it might seem strange to you that I’d be including one of Burton’s films on a list of unknown films (considering how well known he is).  However, I find that most people haven’t heard of or seen his film “Ed Wood”; a bio-pic on notorious director Edward D. Wood Jr.  The film was released in 1994 and is shot entirely in Black & White.  The film features in an All-Star Cast including Johnny Depp, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Martin Landau (who won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of Horror Icon Bela Lugosi).  I actually consider “Ed Wood” to be one of—if not the—Best film Tim Burton has made to date, so if you truly consider yourself a fan of Tim Burton, then you must see “Ed Wood”.

3.) Five Minutes of Heaven

“Five Minutes of Heaven” is an excellent TV movie that you can usually find on Netflix Instant.  It’s a film that focusses on the long lasting conflict in Northern Ireland between Protestant members of the Ulster Volunteer Force and the Catholic Irish Republican Army and stars Liam Neeson and James Nesbitt.  It’s the story of a man named Aleister Little (Neeson) who seeking forgiveness from Joe Griffin (Nesbitt), the younger brother of a man he murdered years earlier.  Unbeknownst to Neeson’s character, Joe has been waiting for the day he can meet Aleister Little so he can kill him and finally have his vengeance.  “Five Minutes of Heaven” has so much great build up and drama, and probably the best movie climax I have seen (so far).  Not to mention, Nesbitt and Neeson both give phenomenal performances.  If you have a chance to see, I highly recommend you check out “Five Minutes of Heaven”.

4.) Death Machine

The Oldest film on this list; “Death Machine” is a 1994 Sci-Fi Action film that can only be described as FanBoy Catering at its best.  Set in the distant future of 2003, the story follows a heroine Hayden Cale as she tries to stop an evil killer robot created by a disgruntled former employee (played by Brad Dourif).  The film was written and directed by Stephen Norrington, who worked on the first “Alien” film.  The film makes numerous references to “Alien”, “RoboCop”, and “Evil Dead”.  I wrote an article about “Death Machine” a few years back for another blog I am Chief Editor for, so if you’d like some more details on why this is a great film then I highly recommend you click the link below and check it out.

Confessions of a Film Junkie: A review of "Death Machine"

5.) Cherry

“Cherry” is a 2010 Indie/Romance starring Kyle Gallner, Laura Allen, and Britt Robertson.  It’s the story of a boy named Aaron who is trying to escape the high expectations of his mother and form a new identity as an Ivy League Freshman.  Kyle ends up developing a crush on an older woman at one of his art classes at school named Linda.  The two quickly become friends, but things get a little complicated when Linda’s 14-year-old daughter Beth develops a crush on Aaron.  This film is fun and witty.  It’s a story we’ve seen time and time again, but with so many memorable and likeable characters, it’s almost impossible to enjoy the quirkiness and charm of “Cherry”.

5 Awesome Films that (almost) nobody has heard of before (PART 1)

A Tribute to my Favorite Driver Justin Wilson

A Tribute to Favorite Driver Justin Wilson
By: Brian Cotnoir

     When a driver is killed during a race everything seems to slow down and the garage area at the track seems much smaller.  When I was a little kid I wanted to be a race car driver when I grew up more than anything in the world, but things change and you get older and you head down different paths.  Even though I never raced anything past quarter-midgets I never lost my passion for racing, and still watched it as an avid fan.  As a fan of racing I’ve experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I’ve shared the excitement of drivers experiencing the thrills of victory and the agony of defeat.  I’ve also experienced the tragedy of watching a driver lose his life during a race.  I’ve seen many great drivers like Greg Moore, Dale Earnhardt. Sr, and Dan Wheldon lose their lives during a race, and now I’ve experience another great tragedy, the loss of my favorite IndyCar driver, Justin Wilson.

          When I first started following IndyCar more closely a few years back I remember being very intrigued by this English race car driver named Justin Wilson.  He wasn’t the best driver, he didn’t drive for the best team, but he was always a competitive driver and always had this strong charismatic presence on TV.  I’d watch the Indy race pre-show just knowing that at some point they were going to interview him, and he was going to say something witty and amusing.  Justin Wilson was my favorite Indy car driver for all of those reasons.  I admired him not just for his driving abilities, but for his charisma and humor, and his pure passion for the sport.  I remember the excitement I felt back in 2012 when I saw him pull the upset victory (and final win of his career) at Texas Motor Speedway when he was driving for Dale Coyne Racing.  I’m going to miss watching him race, and the pre-race show just won’t feel the same without Justin around to interview.  You see Race car drivers and their fans have a very unique bond.  Racing is one of the few sports out there where all the competitors run the risk of being seriously injured or losing their lives.  Yes, athletes in other sports like basketball, football, hockey, and baseball all run the risk of being injured during competition, but very rarely is it a life threatening injury.  Also, the Auto Racing Schedule is spread through almost the entire year.  Every Weekend, we invite the drivers into our homes on our television; it almost feels like you’re getting a visit from a cousin or a very good friend.  You see them interview the drivers, and the drivers let us get glimpse into what their lives are at home and what they’ve been up to. You feel more like you’re catching up with them than anything.  Then there is the most important difference that sets racing apart from all the other sports.  In sports like baseball and football players (typically) associate with members of their own team only on game day, but in racing all the drivers are friends and indeed part of a great, big racing family.  They may drive for different teams and manufacturers, but before and after the race they are all part of the same family.  

     And so the racing community has to mourn the loss of one its Best & Brightest drivers.  For the rest of my life I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch another IndyCar race or pre-show without wishing that Justin Wilson was still alive today and there, but knowing now that on the same day we lost him, his organs was used to save six other people, is the most amazing way I can think of to honor Justin’s memory.  It won’t be just the pictures and videos that will keep his memory alive; there are 6 people in the world that are still alive today because of Justin Wilson.

We’re going to miss you Justin, Godspeed.

The Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

     

Hello All, it’s me again with another edition of “Worst Lyrics”, where I rank the Top 5 Worst Song Lyrics written by a Popular Artist, and well this week is a very special one because I get to tear into a musician I personally can’t stand.  There aren’t enough words to describe how much I LOATHE Billy Joel.  He’s a mediocre songwriter who sings about the problems of Upper class white people, and yet people revere him as a musical genius and rock icon, but in actuality this King of New York Frank Sinatra wannabe Sucks. So. Much.  Well today I am going to call out Billy Joel on all of his B.S. lyrics.  I find it a little ironic that he has a song called “Only the Good Die Young”; he’ll probably go on living forever because he is the worst.  Believe me nothing pains me more than having to listen to this hack in order to compile this list.  So without further ado here are the Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics.

5.) Uptown Girl

     Man, oh man do I hate “Uptown Girl”. I hate the melody, I hate the lyrics, I hate every single thing about it.  Billy Joel trying to play himself off as the “common man” trying to win over a socialite just makes me laugh.  The Worst Lyric from this song has to be the verse:

“Uptown Girl/You know I can’t afford to buy her pearls/but maybe someday when my ship comes in/she’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been/and then I’ll win”

Yes, because as every John Hughes movie has taught the nice, honest everyman always gets the rich powerful beauty.  Sorry Billy Joel, it looks like you’re going to have to suffer through the Horrors of an Upper-Middle Class White Family lifestyle, but hey the Lord knows we’ve already had to suffer through this stinker of a song.

4.) Scandinavia Skies

“Scandinavia Skies” is apparently about this one time Billy Joel tried Heroin in Amsterdam, and the feeling of how high he felt.  What’s funny is the song is called “Scandinavia Skies” and he references Amsterdam multiple times which is not a part of Scandinavia.  Sure, he references places that are part of Scandinavia like Stockholm and Oslo, but that does little to make up for these atrocious lyrics:

“We had the Midas Touch/Until we met the Dutch/and they exhausted our supplies/whose to pay for this international flight/who could stay/we were only there for the night/we watched the power fall/Inside the Oslo hall/where all the Norwegians cried”.

I bet the Norwegians were crying over how painfully forced those lyrics were.

3.) Captain Jack

From a song about doing heroin to a song about a guy who sells heroin; the greatest lyrical sin that Billy Joel commits in the song “Captain Jack” is:

“So you stand there on the corner in your New English clothes/and you look so polished from your hair down to your toes/Ahh, but still your finger is going to pick your nose/After All”.

What in the Frick is he talking about?!  Who the hell talks like this?  I’ve never heard anyone refer to a style of dress as “New English clothes” and what the hell is up with that line about picking your nose?  He sounds like some suburban tourist who wandered into the inner city for the first time and saw his first drug deal.  That line is too stupid even for Billy Joel’s standards.

2.) Piano Man

Dear God is he Homely! 

I am tired of hearing people praise the song “Piano Man”.  This song sucks!  There is little-to-no-thought put into this song, Billy Joel is just singing about what he sees at the bar.  Now some of you are probably saying “He’s not just singing what he sees, he’s singing about life” too which I’m going to respectfully disagree.  He’s singing about the terrible lives of people hanging out in some depressing dive bar.  I often wonder how John at the Bar must feel about having their private conversation be sung about.  However, there is one lyric from this song that I feel gets overlooked all too often:

“Now Paul is a real estate novelist/who never had time for a wife/and he’s talking to Davy/whose still in the Navy/and probably will be for life”. 

Now once again, Billy Joel really tries his damndest to force a rhyme (Davy in the Navy?), I think that most people don’t ever stop to consider that there’s a distinct possibility that Paul and Davy might be lovers(?).  Maybe, I’m just crazy, but I think that there’s a reason why Paul never hard time for a wife, and Billy Joel just couldn’t figure that out for himself.  This song is incredibly stupid, but it is not the Worst Song Billy Joel has ever released, because that (dis)honor goes too...

1.) We Didn’t Start the Fire

I’m mad at “Family Guy” for making this joke before me...

But yeah they accurately sum up the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  He’s just saying random stuff and celebrities’ names.  I can’t even pick one line from this song because it’s all just Pop Culture references assembled into gibberish, so I’m going to say the whole song is the Worst Lyrics he’s ever composed.

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics