The Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

     

Hello All, it’s me again with another edition of “Worst Lyrics”, where I rank the Top 5 Worst Song Lyrics written by a Popular Artist, and well this week is a very special one because I get to tear into a musician I personally can’t stand.  There aren’t enough words to describe how much I LOATHE Billy Joel.  He’s a mediocre songwriter who sings about the problems of Upper class white people, and yet people revere him as a musical genius and rock icon, but in actuality this King of New York Frank Sinatra wannabe Sucks. So. Much.  Well today I am going to call out Billy Joel on all of his B.S. lyrics.  I find it a little ironic that he has a song called “Only the Good Die Young”; he’ll probably go on living forever because he is the worst.  Believe me nothing pains me more than having to listen to this hack in order to compile this list.  So without further ado here are the Top 5 Worst Billy Joel Lyrics.

5.) Uptown Girl

     Man, oh man do I hate “Uptown Girl”. I hate the melody, I hate the lyrics, I hate every single thing about it.  Billy Joel trying to play himself off as the “common man” trying to win over a socialite just makes me laugh.  The Worst Lyric from this song has to be the verse:

“Uptown Girl/You know I can’t afford to buy her pearls/but maybe someday when my ship comes in/she’ll understand what kind of guy I’ve been/and then I’ll win”

Yes, because as every John Hughes movie has taught the nice, honest everyman always gets the rich powerful beauty.  Sorry Billy Joel, it looks like you’re going to have to suffer through the Horrors of an Upper-Middle Class White Family lifestyle, but hey the Lord knows we’ve already had to suffer through this stinker of a song.

4.) Scandinavia Skies

“Scandinavia Skies” is apparently about this one time Billy Joel tried Heroin in Amsterdam, and the feeling of how high he felt.  What’s funny is the song is called “Scandinavia Skies” and he references Amsterdam multiple times which is not a part of Scandinavia.  Sure, he references places that are part of Scandinavia like Stockholm and Oslo, but that does little to make up for these atrocious lyrics:

“We had the Midas Touch/Until we met the Dutch/and they exhausted our supplies/whose to pay for this international flight/who could stay/we were only there for the night/we watched the power fall/Inside the Oslo hall/where all the Norwegians cried”.

I bet the Norwegians were crying over how painfully forced those lyrics were.

3.) Captain Jack

From a song about doing heroin to a song about a guy who sells heroin; the greatest lyrical sin that Billy Joel commits in the song “Captain Jack” is:

“So you stand there on the corner in your New English clothes/and you look so polished from your hair down to your toes/Ahh, but still your finger is going to pick your nose/After All”.

What in the Frick is he talking about?!  Who the hell talks like this?  I’ve never heard anyone refer to a style of dress as “New English clothes” and what the hell is up with that line about picking your nose?  He sounds like some suburban tourist who wandered into the inner city for the first time and saw his first drug deal.  That line is too stupid even for Billy Joel’s standards.

2.) Piano Man

Dear God is he Homely! 

I am tired of hearing people praise the song “Piano Man”.  This song sucks!  There is little-to-no-thought put into this song, Billy Joel is just singing about what he sees at the bar.  Now some of you are probably saying “He’s not just singing what he sees, he’s singing about life” too which I’m going to respectfully disagree.  He’s singing about the terrible lives of people hanging out in some depressing dive bar.  I often wonder how John at the Bar must feel about having their private conversation be sung about.  However, there is one lyric from this song that I feel gets overlooked all too often:

“Now Paul is a real estate novelist/who never had time for a wife/and he’s talking to Davy/whose still in the Navy/and probably will be for life”. 

Now once again, Billy Joel really tries his damndest to force a rhyme (Davy in the Navy?), I think that most people don’t ever stop to consider that there’s a distinct possibility that Paul and Davy might be lovers(?).  Maybe, I’m just crazy, but I think that there’s a reason why Paul never hard time for a wife, and Billy Joel just couldn’t figure that out for himself.  This song is incredibly stupid, but it is not the Worst Song Billy Joel has ever released, because that (dis)honor goes too...

1.) We Didn’t Start the Fire

I’m mad at “Family Guy” for making this joke before me...

But yeah they accurately sum up the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire”.  He’s just saying random stuff and celebrities’ names.  I can’t even pick one line from this song because it’s all just Pop Culture references assembled into gibberish, so I’m going to say the whole song is the Worst Lyrics he’s ever composed.

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics

5 "How the Hell was that Hit?" Songs (part II)

5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs (Part II)

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Well after the rousing success of my 5 “How the Hell was that a Hit?” Songs, I decided that the only logical thing to do is right a follow up article.  Now just a reminder, the songs on this list aren’t necessarily bad, but when you really take a look at a song and analyze things like lyrical content and rhythm, and melodies,  you really do have to scratch your head and ask: “How the Hell was this a Hit?”.  So here’s 5 songs that will make you asks that exact question (listed in no particular order).

1.) MMMM MMMM MMMM- Crash Test Dummies

Now I actually like the band Crash Test Dummies so I feel conflicted placing their most successful song “MMMM MMMM MMMM” on this list.  The song is about 3 kids whose lives freaking suck, and the only thing said about their terrible lives is MMMM MMMM MMMM.  Let’s be honest, this is probably the only song in the world where you have to hum the chorus.  Not to mention this is a difficult song to request.  I once heard a comedian on TV say: “Can you imagine the difficulty of shouting ‘we want to hear ‘MMMM MMMMM MMMM’ at a concert?’”. I mean it’s a great, well-written song, and there are no other songs I can think of that are like it, but yeah it has a weird chorus, and weird song title.

2.) Hollaback Girl- Gwen Stefani

Oh Gwen Stefani, how you’ve hurt me so.  When I was 11, I had a huge crush on you, when you were the lead singer of No Doubt. You were this tough, take no prisoners chick, and I loved you.  Then you broke my heart by branching of to be a solo artist, and nothing hurt more than when you released “Hollaback Girl”.  Seriously, how did you go from “Just a Girl” to “Hollaback Girl”?  Those two songs are like opposite ends of the spectrum.  This song is more like a cheerleader chant then it is a pop song, and I can’t believe how bad it is.  The only good thing that ever came from this song was it taught me how to spell bananas (and I have to sing that stupid line every time in order to do it).  Now will someone please tell Gwen Stefani that she is 45 and should stop making Pop Music and only sing for No Doubt?

3.) The Purple People Eater- Sheb Wooley

Sheb Wooley deserves a Special Award for his 1958 novelty rock song, “The Purple People Eater”.  I want to know how he came up with the idea to write the lyrics “It was a one-eyed/one-horned/flying purple people eater”.  That is probably the most bizarre subject/lyric ever written in the history of music.  But still listening to this track sung by Wooley (and a high-pitched One-Eyed One Horned Flying Purple People Eater) has me scratching my head and asking: How the hell was this a hit?

4.) What’s Up- 4 Non Blondes

My parents used to play this song all the time when I was a kid, and even back then I couldn’t stand this song.  4 Non Blondes only hit song “What’s Up” feels like a 60’s rock song that was released 30 years too late.  A great deal of this song consists of the lines “Heyeyeyeyeye” and “ooooh ooooooh ooooh”, and I can’t believe that this became a hit song in the 1990’s.

5.) The Scatman- Scatman John

Okay, this one gets my vote for the Most Random Hit Song Ever.  It’s a combination of Electronic Dance Music and Scat singing...that has to the Strangest Combination of Musical Genres in History.  I mean just look at the singer of this song, Scatman John; he sounds like he’s trying to scat sing a techno song.  I mean, wow.  Only in the 90’s could a song like this have been a hit.  I mean...I’m at a loss for this one, I cannot find enough ways to describe to you all how strange this song is.

5 HOW THE HELL WAS THAT A HIT SONGS PART I

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics

The Top 5 Worst LFO Lyrics

By: Brian Cotnoir

There was a time when I was growing up in the late 1990’s to early 2000’s where radio, MTV, and indeed the world were dominated by Boy Bands.  I mean, it was huge.  I remember not being able walk into the record stores at the mall without seeing at least 3 posters or cardboard cutouts promoting those various boy bands.  Everyone from age 8-16 had a favorite boy band; most Boy Bands came from Orlando, Florida and were created by Lou Pearlman.  Groups like Backstreet Boys, N-Sync, and O-Town dominated the airwaves during this time.  However, there were a few Independent Boy Bands that started on their own, and one of those bands was LFO.  Now LFO (short for Lyte Funky Ones) wasn’t as big or as popular as the Backstreet Boys or N-Sync, but they did have some moderate success, and I think most people who were around during this time could tell you the title of at least one LFO song.  LFO is from Massachusetts (my home state) and so they definitely got more airplay around here then probably the rest of the country, and their popularity—in Massachusetts at least—were up there with other homegrown Boy Bands like New Kids on the Block and New Edition.  However, one disadvantage LFO had going against them was that they didn’t have some hired studio songwriter(s) writings lyrics for them, so  they wrote their own song lyrics and well...you know when a white boy records a Rap Demo in their basement and thinks they’re going to be the next Eminem?  Well LFO is kind of the Boy Band Equivalent of that, and today I will be counting down the Top 5 Worst LFO lyrics.

5.) Every Other Time

As far as LFO’s songs go this was their last Big Hit, and is—in my opinion—their least bad track.  It has a nice flow it to it, the vocals sound great, it’s not a bad song except for this one lyric and that lyric is: “but then I think about the time when we broke up before the prom/and you told everyone that I was gay, okay?”.  Not only is that line incredibly stupid, but it also doesn’t flow.  Even when you hear them sing that line it sounds incredibly forced and like they were struggling to make it work. Oh well, now that I’ve talked about the Best of the Worst of LFO, let’s now start working out way to the Worst of the Worst of LFO.

4.) Sex U Up (The Way You Like It)

Seeing as most fans of Boy Bands were girls in their teens and pre-teens the subject of sex never was never really sung about.  There were always sappy songs about being in love or falling in love, but sex was a subject that was almost forbidden to boy bands to sing about.  “Sex U Up (The Way You Like It)” was one of LFO’s earliest singles, and yeah there are is so much wrong with this song.  The worst lyrical offender to this track is “I wanna sex u up/come on let’s get it on tonight/said I wanna sex u up/come on now let’s get it on”.  My God, they sound like a bunch of loser virgins who are trying to convince people that they’ve had sex, sorry LFO but you aren’t fooling anyone.  Oh and I really despise your AOL Instant Messenger abbreviation of the word You.  Just because you wrote a bad song doesn’t give you an excuse for poor grammar.

3.) Girl on TV

If you wanted to find success as a boy band in the late 90’s early 2000’s you needed to have a soulful love song where every member of the group professed their love to one specific girl in the music video.  I have to give LFO props for this one though: most love songs from Boy Bands are sung about some anonymous girl who doesn’t actually exist, but the lyrics to “Girl on TV” were actually inspired by actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (who also appears in the music video).  How could Jennifer Love Hewitt not fall in love with any of the guys in this band who wrote and sang a beautiful song about her?  It must’ve been the lyric: “Shooby-doo-wop and Scooby snacks/met a fly girl and I can’t relax/the only problem is she’s a movie star, oh/my friends won’t believe me if they could only see me/at the risk of soundin’ cheesy/I fell for the girl on TV”.  “Shooby-doo-wop and Scooby snacks”? Really? Really LFO? Did you really think that would be a great line?  I could forgive that if you didn’t forget to write a line for a word that rhymes with star and didn’t try to force so many rhymes with the letter E in the rest of that verse, but I’m sorry LFO that one was just bad.

Sorry I couldn't get this actual music video

2.) I don’t want to kiss you goodnight

Apparently none of the members of LFO had any idea on what to do at the end of a date either.  This is made clearly evident from the their song “I don’t want to kiss you goodnight”.  “I don’t wanna kiss you goodnight/if a kiss means the night is over/I don’t wanna say goodbye no, no, no/girl I don’t love me standing at your door/when this night could lead to so much more”.  Okay, LFO let me explain something to you: if you go on a date and you don’t get a kiss at the end of the night it means they don’t like you.  If you like them, but you don’t kiss them they’re going to think you don’t like them.  And believe me LFO the goal at the end of the date is to get that kiss, and for it to lead to other things.  So the next time you go on a date with the girl, you kiss her so she wants to drag you in her bedroom so you can wrap it, tap it, and then scrap it.

1.) Summer Girls

This is the one LFO track that I think everyone knows.  To this day is still LFO’s most successful charting song, but it also features some of the most horrendous and nonsensical lyrics put together in a song.  Lines like “New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits/Chinese Food Makes me sick” and “Hip Hop Marmalade/Spic and Span/met you one summer and it all began/You’re the Best Girl that I ever did see/the Great Larry Bird Jersey 33”???????????????? What the f*ck LFO?!  How do you go from telling a girl that you like her to professing your admiration for Basketball Hall of Famer Larry Bird?!  And that’s just the tip of the Iceberg of badness in this song.  All “Summer Girls” is, is a song that features a bunch of nonsense lyrics and obscure pop culture references.  This song’s so bad, that it can’t even be parodied, because it makes fun of itself so much.

As Much as I’ve bashed LFO and their inability to write good song lyrics this whole post, I feel I should mention, I don’t think they’re the Worst Boy Band Ever.  I don’t even think they’re a terrible band.  They were a group of friends that started a boy band and found some success, and they did the Best they could with what they had.  They did not have the money or exposure or the marketability of other Boy Bands like Backstreet Boys or N-Sync, but they did all right.  And when I was in college and heard that LFO’s front man Rich Cronin passed away from leukemia, I felt so sorry for him, and his family, and the remaining members of LFO, because I truly believed that someday they would make a comeback and go on a Retro Tour with other boy bands like New Kids on the Block, O-Town, and 98 Degrees.  So to the remaining members of LFO, I hope you are doing well for yourself.    

4 Reasons why Imperator Furiosa is the Best Female Character in film since Ellen Ripley

4 Reasons why Imperator Furiosa is the Best Female Character in film since Ellen Ripley

By: Brian Cotnoir

A while back I was discussing with a friend how there is a serious lack of Strong Female Characters in film.  If you ask any person to name one strong female character in film they will usually without hesitation say Ellen Ripley from the “Alien” Franchise, and then they really have to stop and think of any others.  Well recently our prayers have been answered, by director George Miller and we have been given a new, awesome strong female character in his latest film “Mad Max: Fury Road”.  That character’s name is Imperator Furiosa, and she is one the Best, Baddest, and Original characters to come out in a long time. 

1.) Fearless

Furiosa is a fearless fighter.  She takes risks that could mean death if she is caught, and she just plain doesn’t care.  She stands up to the evil tyrannical leader Immortan Joe, and betrays him by stealing one of his big rigs (and helping his wives escape too) in hopes that they can all find a better life far away from his Citadel.  She is not afraid to battle either.  Throughout the film she is pursued by Immortan Joe and his War Boys, hell she even fights Mad Max at one point.  She is a women who is driven (no pun intended) and unafraid to do battle.

2.) Intelligent

Furiosa is also incredibly intelligent and cunning as well.  Not only does her plan of escape start off—relatively—successful, but she also has a slew of calculated moves and back up plans for her mission as well.  From the way she manipulates the other War Boys who are escorting her on the journey to get gas and oil, to the emergency kill switch on her rig, to the way she convinces a rival biker gang to cause a rock slide in the canyon to slow down the ever approaching to her cautious approach to Mad Max.  She doesn’t just openly trust Max upon their first meeting, she actually believes that he is an enemy. It is clear from watching her in the film that she has—practically—thought out every move and decision on this journey.  It is her intelligence and cunningness that ultimately lead to her survival throughout the film.

3.) She’s a Fighter, and not a Damsel

One thing that always pisses me off in Action Movies is when the films story introduces the token female character who is meant to be the counterpart to the Main Male Character, and she spends the whole film showing that she knows how to fight and is a bad a$$, but then somehow forgets all her fighting skills and gets captured by the villain and their henchmen, and has to be rescued by the Main Male Character.  Yeah, Furiosa doesn’t do any of that.  She proves herself as a fighter, and is more than capable of protecting herself.  At no point do she and Max have to rescue each other, if anything they’re just helping each other out.  Also she is NOT just there to serve as a Max’s love interest in the film.  Another great thing about Furiosa is she does not follow your typical Leading Female design.  Furiosa is played by Actress Charlize Theron, who is absolutely gorgeous.  However, she doesn’t exploit her true beauty in this film.  She is not just relegated to being Eye Candy in the film. Her hair is cut short, and her skin is covered sand, dirt, and oil...oh and she’s an amputee too.  This is the second film I’ve seen Charlize Theron in where she seems to go out of her way to make you forget that she is actually really pretty in real life (the other film she did this in was “Monster” which received on Oscar for Best Actress for her role).

4.) She is the True Star of the Film

For a film called “Mad Max: The Fury Road”, their certainly is a lack of Mad Max doing much of anything in the film.  I mean he barely has any lines in the film, but you want to know who does have a lot of lines in the film, and is the primary focus of the film, and kicks a$$ the entire film?  Imperator Furiosa!  She truly is a strong and amazing character, and without a doubt the Best Leading Female I’ve seen in a Film since Ellen Ripley in “Alien”.

10 Things I hate about "10 Things I Hate About You"

10 Things I hate about “10 Things I Hate About You”

By: Brian Cotnoir

I have been a substitute teacher for 4 years now, and in that time I have covered all sorts of classes.  Some Days I get to teach something I really enjoy like History or Gym, and other days I have to teach stuff I really struggle with like Geometry or Anatomy, and then some days I don’t have to teach anything at all because the teacher I’m covering for just leaves me a movie, and all I have to do is sit back and watch.  IT was just the other week I was subbing in a High School English Class that I was forced to endure the suffering of having to watch “10 Things I Hate About You” 4 times in one day!  Much to my horror and dismay, the students in every class actually enjoyed this cine-massacre.  It was moronic, it was poorly written, it had so many flaws, and me being the smart-mouthed cynical film critic that I am, I have compiled my own 10 Things list of 10 Things I hate about “10 Things I Hate About You”.

1.) Half-A$$ed Shakespeare References

But Clearly the writers of this film aren't

“10 Things I Hate About You” is a loose adaptation of William Shakespeare’s Taming of the Shrew. The Class I was covering for was reading the play in class, and why their teacher thought this this would be better to watch in class than the 1967 film “Taming of the Shrew” with Liz Taylor and Richard Burton, is beyond me!  To quote the late & great film critic Roger Ebert: “’10 Things I Hate About You’ is inspired in a kinduva way, by ‘Taming of the Shrew’, in the same sense that ‘Starship Troopers’ is inspired by ‘Titus Andronicus’”.  Roger Ebert hits the hammer on the head with this one, I mean just because there are a few subtle references to Taming of the Shrew, doesn’t mean that it’s a direct representation of it.  The references to Shakespeare in this film try to be blatantly obvious, but you would still have to point out most of the references to the students.

2.) Tokenism

Now this isn’t just a specific problem with “10 Things I Hate About You”, but it was indeed a problem with most teen films from the mid-1990’s to early 2000’s; tokenism.  Every movie has its fair share of token characters to show diversity in an otherwise white-washed film.  Cameron is the stereotypical Nerdy scrawny new guy, meant to represent the “everyman” in film.  His new friend Michael is the token nerd/master schemer, Patrick is the token bad boy, Kat is the token tough chick, Mr. Morgan is the token Angry Black teacher at the White Suburban High School, Chastity is Bianca’s token black best friend!  I mean it’s like the screenwriters of this film came together and said “Character Development?!  We don’t have time for that; all our characters will have overblown stereotypical traits so that nothing will be confusing or original for our audience!

3.) The Moronic Cliques

     So there’s a scene early on in the film where Cameron is being shown around the campus by Michael where he introduces them to the most unrealistic group of High School cliques ever seen.  There are the white boys who have dreadlocks and act like Black Rastafarians, there are the group of kids who dress up like cowboys with stenson hats and lassos, the Future Business Leaders club that all dress and act like a bunch of 1980’s Yuppies, and this group of rich preppy kids who are addicted to coffee so much that there’s actually a coffee station on School grounds.  I have never in my life seen a poorer or more unrealistic representation of High School students in my entire life.  If there were actual kids like this in High School then I’m pretty sure they would get their a$$es kicked on a daily basis!

4.) Every kid—and I mean every kid—in this film is such a tool!

Not only are the actors in the High School Cliques Moronic and Annoying, but so is every individual character in this film as well, and I mean this in the most sincere way: I wanted so badly to beat every student at Padua High School over the head with a brick.  Every single character in this film is an annoying, one-dimensional tool!  And shockingly enough the one character who is the least annoying and least fake is Joe Donner.  That’s right; the films antagonist is the least annoying and most realistic character in the film.  I have seen plenty of guys like Joey in High School, but every other character in “10 Things I Hate About You” is like the parody of a high school character.

5.) Heath Ledger’s Accent

No, just that you couldn't do a good
American accent at this point in time

Oh Heath Ledger this was at a time in your career where you could just barely pass enough to be an American teenager, but your failure to keep your accents straight reminded us all, oh wait he’s not an American teen, he’s an adult from Australia!  Now some people will argue there’s the point where Ledger’s character Patrick says that he speaks with his accent is because he lived in Australia until he was 10, but that is a cop out explanation!  They said the same thing about Olivia Newton John’s character in “Grease” (in the play here name is actually Sandy Dumbrowski; not Olsen like in the film, and she’s not from Australia like in the play too).  Look Heath, you went on to become a Great Actor and I am so sad that you are gone, but every actor has that one early role that they may feel ashamed about, and this probably was the one for you.  Sorry.

6.) The Most Over the Top and Unrealistic High School Party ever

The Party scene in this movie is the Most over-the-top and unrealistic High School Party I’ve ever seen in film.  How do that many teenagers show up at once and not arouse suspicion from neighbors or authorities? Also how is it that Cameron and Michael were able to toss out that my flyers to a party and not one of them end up in the hands of a teacher or school official?  Also, the party was partly staged by Michael to get revenge on a boy named Bogey Lowenstein.  How is it that not one person asked Bogey about the party?  How did he not find out that the whole school was going to show up at his parents’ house for a party?  Nothing about this party is realistic.

7.) Negative Portrayal of Feminism

This "Kat" has got some claws (ba dum ch!)

I was reading an article on Buzzfeed called “The Kat Stratford Guide To Being An Awesome Feminist”, and as I was reading the post I couldn’t help but notice that almost none of the things said in the article advocate that she is a feminist.  A feminist—by definition—is a person who supports feminism: the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men.  Kat doesn’t do anything to say or show that she is looking for equality, if anything she comes off as more of an “heinous bitch” as Ms. Perky put it.  If you wanted to argue that Kat is an Independent Film icon in film, I would agree with you one-hundred percent, but a “Feminist” she is not.  Kat has this attitude in the film that she is smarter, better, and more mature then most people; especially men, which would make her more of a misandrist than a feminist.  And in some ways, I feel like Kate is the female equivalent of Randal Graves from “Clerks” because both are rude, anti-social, and over opinionated.  Oh yeah, these two would be the Couple from Hell if they were ever to get together!  

The Kat Stratford Guide To Being An Awesome Feminist

8.) The Most Annoying and Moronic Father in TV/Film since Homer Simpson

Oh Dear God is Walter Stratford an annoying and moronic character.  I mean, wow!  Were the screenwriters of this film even trying?  Walter Stratford isn’t a loving or worrisome single father, he is overprotective of his two daughters to the point that it borderlines on child abuse.  Actor Larry Miller gives possibly one of the least funny and competent performances I have ever seen in a film for his role of Walter Stratford.  He should’ve at least been nominated for a Razzie Award for Worst Actor in Supporting Role!

Oh God, Do I hate You!

9.) Generic recycling of “She’s All That”

Now, I remember where I've seen this
plot before!

“10 Things I Hate About You” wasn’t the first time a film studio tried to make a modern retelling of a work of classic literature.  During this time teen audiences were also treated to films like Baz Luhrman’s 1996 adaptation of “Romeo + Juliet”, the 1998 modern retelling of Charles Dickens Great Expectations, and “Cruel Intentions” based on the classic French Novel Dangerous Liaisons.  If I make take another quote from “Roger Ebert’s review of the film because he sums it up better than I ever could: “...the movie is charming, despite its exhausted wheeze of an ancient recycled plot (boy takes bribe to ask girl to prom, then discovers that he really likes her—but then she finds out about the bribe and hates him).  I haven’t seen an idea like that in almost two months, since “She’s All That”.  That’s right even Roger Ebert calls bullsh!t on this film

Roger Ebert's review of "10 Things I Hate About You"

10.) Moronic Teen Romance

This films “Romance” element is too dumb even by teen movie standards.  It is made apparent that from the time Cameron lays his eyes on Bianca, he wants to bang her...and you know what so does everyone else in the school as well.  And my word does he go out of his way to try and win this girl over, from pretending to know French so he can “tutor” her, to convincing a random stranger that he wants to date Bianca’s sister, Kat, and he even gets his friend Michael involved in his plot to get this girl too.  Why?  What does Michael stand to gain by helping Cameron get into Bianca’s pants?  Seriously, name one couple that you know that got together in High School that are still together, I bet you can’t.  I mean, seriously Cameron goes out of his way to try win this girl, and what is the guarantee that she will love him back in return.  I have never been a fan of Romance in movie, and I’m even less of a fan when it’s in a Teen Romance movie. 

4 Reasons why "American History X" isn't as good as I remember

4 Reasons why “American History X” isn’t as good as I remember

By: Brian Cotnoir

Isn’t it strange how something you once really liked loses some of its luster over time?  For me, personally, this is most true when it comes to film.  Films I once thought were great when I was kid, now seem to have more plot holes and issues then I remember.  That doesn’t mean I stopped liking some films just because they’re not as good as I remember it just means I look at them in a whole different perspective. My biggest epiphany to this rule came after recently re-watching one of my favorite films “American History X”.  Man, oh, man do I like this movie.  Ever since I saw it for the first time in High School it has become one of my favorite films.  I’ve seen it dozens of times, and it was my favorite film up until a couple of years ago.  I made every person I knew watch this film if they hadn’t seen it, and I was pleased that a majority of the people I showed it too enjoyed it as much as I did. However, that was in High School.  I’m now a 25-year-old adult, and my taste in films has greatly changed.  All though, I still enjoy “American History X”, I will admit that this film has some flaws that I failed to recognize years ago.  So here are my 4 Reasons why “American History X” isn’t as good as I remember.   

1.) You don’t feel bad for any of the victims

     So Derek Vinyard—one of the Main Characters in the film—goes to prison for murdering two black gang members who were trying to steal his car.  He shoots one to death in his driveway, and the other he seriously wounds, before dragging him to the sidewalk and stomping his skull in.  This is one of the most gruesome kills I’ve ever seen in film, and yet I never felt sorry for the guys that Derek killed in the film.  If I caught two guys trying to break into my car I would be absolutely furious...maybe not furious enough to murder them, but I certainly would beat the hell out of them (at least until I felt they had bled enough).  Now, yes, Derek’s actions in the film were still racially motivated and horrible no matter how you look at it, but I still feel the screenwriter for the film David McKenna could have written the victims as more human and innocent, which leads me into my next point…

2.) It glorifies Neo-Nazi’s

Ultimately this film is about Derek’s redemption and his transformation from Neo-Nazi gang leader to upstanding citizen who tries to dissuade his younger brother from following the same path.  However, it does—somewhat—glorify Neo-Nazi’s.  Derek’s younger brother Danny recounts a time at a local basketball court where Derek and his Neo-Nazi gang members had a run-in with the two black men that Derek would later kill.  They get into an argument at the basketball court where they both exchange heated racial slurs.  Derek makes an agreement with one of the men (who always reminded me of Buggin’ Out from Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing”) that whoever loses a pick-up basketball game on the court is never allowed to play or show up there ever again.  Derek leads his team to a triumphant come from behind victory, thus making Derek and his gang looks more glorious than ever.  And again, because the men that Derek and his team beat in the game are portrayed as a group Angry Black Thugs, it gives some people who are watching the film that Derek and his crew might be anti-heroes instead of regular villains.

3.) Why wasn’t Dr. Sweeney looking out for Danny, when he was trying to help Derek

Dr. Bob Sweeney was Derek’s High School English Teacher; he is now Danny’s High School Principal—and acting History Teacher.  Shortly after Derek is brutally sexually assaulted in the prison shower his former gang members Derek is visited in the Prison hospital by Dr. Sweeney.  Derek pleads with his former educator and mentor to help him become paroled.  Dr. Sweeney agrees to help Derek, and he informs Derek that his younger brother Danny has heading down a similar path. So Question:  If Dr. Sweeney is helping Derek—an imprisoned Neo-Nazi—get paroled, why doesn’t he help Danny to make sure the same thing doesn’t happen to him.  I mean, it’s not like Dr. Sweeney and the Vinyard brothers are total strangers who just met.  They know each other.  Hell, Dr. Sweeney sees Danny practically every day at school.  You can’t tell me that Derek couldn’t have written a note and instructed Dr. Sweeney to give it to Danny.  Now, there’s a part in the film where Danny explains that Derek told his family not to visit him in prison, and if they showed up he wouldn’t see them anyways, but seriously Derek couldn’t make an exception?  He could’ve told his family to come visit him, and that way Derek, Danny, and Dr. Sweeney could have a conference to show Danny what could happen to him if he didn’t leave the Neo-Nazi gang?  Plus—and I’m just speaking out loud as a realist—there was no guarantee that Derek would get paroled for his crimes, so why couldn’t Dr. Sweeney have put just as much effort in to making sure Danny didn’t fall down the same path?  Which brings me to my final point...

4.) Danny doesn’t get to show what he learned, and ergo he learns nothing!

SPOILERS: If you haven’t seen the movie and want to you may want to 

skip this part

Derek has a heart-to-heart conversation with Danny where he tells him the story of what happened after he entered prison.  He tells him of all the hardships and the assaults he endured and how frightened for his life he was in prison.  He tells him how he learned to change his ways—with some help from Dr. Sweeney and a black prisoner he worked with named Lamont—and how he doesn’t want to see his younger brother go through the same hell.  So Derek convinces Danny to change his ways, and the next morning he is to go into school and turn in a paper that Dr. Sweeney assigned to him about what he learned from Derek’s incarceration.  However, Danny doesn’t ever get to show his paper to Dr. Sweeney because he was shot to death in the bathroom by a black gang member that he had a run-in with the day before.  You could possibly argue that it is—somewhat—poetic justice, but yeah, since Danny’s now dead, he has officially learned nothing!  It’s also true that not every film needs to have a happy ending, but after sitting through this entire film where all these people trying to get Danny to change, it almost feels like it was all for nothing. 

When "Titanic" Ruled the World

When “Titanic” Ruled the World

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Every generation has at least one landmark film that becomes so popular that it changes the industry entirely.  Films like “Gone With the Wind”, “The Wizard of Oz”, “Psycho”, “Jaws”, and “Jurassic Park” are all considered to be films that changed the industry, and were so popular that people lined up around the blocks to see them again and again.  Another one of those Blockbuster Films is the film I’m going to talk about today, James Cameron’s 1997 film “Titanic”. 

What is it about “Titanic” that is so special?  James Cameron wasn’t the first director to write and tell a story about the sinking of the RMS Titanic in 1912:  In fact, there were 3 silent films released about the sinking of the Titanic the year it sank!  Cameron is actually the 8^th Director to make a film about the Titanic.  In 1943 the Nazi’s released a highly fictionalized propaganda film called “Titanic”.  Ten years later, in 1953, there was an American film released called “Titanic”, and only 5 years later in 1958 there would be another film about the sinking of the Titanic called “A Night to Remember”.  There was even an IMAX Documentary (nominated by the late Leonard Nimoy) called “Titanica” that was released 2 years before James Cameron’s “Titanic” was released in theatres.  So again I ask: what makes James Cameron’s “Titanic” so special?  Well there a few things that stand out in my mind about what makes this film so special.        

Yeah, we a part of the "Framing Device"

              For one thing, “Titanic” (1997) was—in my opinion—the last true Great American Blockbuster.  In this High Tech day and age, we have a greater access and knowledge about upcoming films than ever before.  There was no Netflix, no Youtube, and no Social Networking at the time, and the idea of illegally downloading a movie onto your computer wasn’t even a possibility at the time.  If you wanted to see a brand new movie you’d either have to wait until it was out in theatres, or you’d have to what until it released on VHS and either buy your own copy of it, or rent it from your local video rental store.  I was 8-years-old when “Titanic”, and it believe me it was a big deal.  My mother and grandmother tried to take me and my older sister to see it in theatres when it was released and it was impossible!  I remember every time they’d drive us to the theatres the line to see the movie would be out the door, and then we’d go inside only to find out that all the showings for that day had been sold out (and movie ticket services like Fandango would not exist for another 3 years).  So every time we’d go to the theatres, we’d either go home, or we’d see something else that wasn’t sold out like “MouseHunt” or “Mr. Magoo”.  To this day, I have never seen a film so popular that it was that difficult to see it in a regular theatre because it was always sold out!  Actually, that’s not entirely true; I did get to see “Titanic” in theatres when it was re-released in 3-D in 2012 for the 100^th Anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic.    

    The first time I got to see “Titanic” was when it was released on VHS, and my grandmother bought a copy of it (Again, technology was just on the verge of changing.  DVD’s came out in America 1997, but didn’t gain popularity or favoritism over VHS until years later.  The thing I remember the most about the VHS release was that it actually came with 2 VHS cassettes.  I remember as a kid thinking that was crazy because I had never seen a movie that was so long that it needed two VHS cassettes to play.  I watched it with my older sister, and thought it was amazing, and you know what: so did the rest of the world too.         

     At the time of its release there was a lot of skepticism over the film.  At the time it was the most expensive film ever made (costing over 200 million dollars!)  Many believed that the film would be a massive flop, and was possibly going to bankrupt multiple film studios.  However, the exact opposite took place.  It was beloved by critics and audiences alike.  It not only made back its massive budget, but went on to be the first film to gross over 1-billion dollars at the box office, and was the Highest Grossing film of All-Time (until it was surpassed by “Avatar” another film made by James Cameron).  Titanic was nominated for 14 Oscar, and Won a record-tying 11 awards including Best Director and Best Picture.  Oh, and that was just the start.                     

The Face that made Millions of Girls lose their G.D. Minds!

     Upon its release “Titanic” made a star out over actor Leonardo DiCaprio.  Leo-Mania was an insane time for everyone who lived through it.  Leonardo DiCaprio was on the cover of every teen magazine, and he made scores of young girls and women scream!  Every girl wanted to be with him, and every guy in the world—myself included—resented him.  I was so annoyed with Leo-Mania that I claimed I “hated” and “couldn’t stand!” Leonardo DiCaprio until I saw him in “The Aviator” for the first time...in 2008...11 years after “Titanic”.  That was a lot of jealousy and pent up rage I held towards him, and now he’s one of my favorite actors.  So go figure, right?                    

She made a man out of many of us

Then there was the leading actress of the film, Kate Winslet.  She didn’t become as popular or beloved as Leo following “Titanic”, but was responsible for a cultural phenomenon of sorts.  Like I said, when this film was released everybody saw this film.  It didn’t matter if you were eight or eighty-eight, EVERYONE saw “Titanic” when it was released, and there is one scene particular that stood out in this film.  The scene where Kate Winslet’s character, Rose, asked Leo DiCaprio’s character, Jack, to draw her like “one of [his] French Girls”.  For a generation of young boys between the ages of 8-16—again, myself included—Kate Winslet was the first woman they ever saw naked, and by association bring many of us into manhood.  I remember being on the playground in the 3^rd grade, and anytime a boy said that he finally saw “Titanic” all any of us could talk about was how we saw a girls boobies.  To us, it was the biggest deal ever.      

     The last thing, from “Titanic”, I’m going to talk about is the Theme song.  Originally, the film was going to be all orchestral and feature no actual singing, but somehow or another it was decided that the film would feature a song sang by Canadian singer, Celine Dion.  The name of that song: “My Heart Will Go On”.  There was a time in America where you could not go anywhere without hearing “My Heart Will Go On”, on the radio, at the mall, or from one of the millions of CD copies playing across the country.  Like all things from the movie “Titanic” the song was inescapable, and just like Leo-Mania, “My Heart Will Go On” began my deep resentment towards Celine Dion.  It is a resentment I still hold in my heart, and to this day, I still believe that there is a good chance Celine Dion is in fact the Anti-Christ.               

I'm still pretty sure that she might be the Anti-Christ

               

     As the 103^rd Anniversary of the sinking of the RMS Titanic approaches, let us take a moment to reflect on how this tragic even led to a cultural phenomenon that changed film, music, pop culture, and indeed the entire world.  James Cameron’s masterpiece film “Titanic” is a remarkable and landmark film, the likes of which I do not think will ever be seen again.