Christmas Nightmares

Christmas Nightmares

By: Brian Cotnoir

    One of my favorite Christmas specials that I like to watch every year is “A Christmas Story”.  Every year I get so excited when it comes on TV.  The one reason why I like it so much is because I think that everyone has had that one Christmas in their life time where there was one Toy that they wanted more than anything in the world.  That one special toy that you saw and you didn’t just want, but you saw it a vital necessity in your life.  You would do anything in your power to ensure that you would get that toy for Christmas; Ask Santa, beg your parents, go out of your way to be exceptionally good and ensure that you would be put on a “Nice List”.  There wasn’t anything you weren’t willing to do to get this toy for Christmas.              

     Then the big day comes.  It’s Christmas morning and you rush into your living room with excitement with your sibling(s) and you begin to scope out the massive pile of presents underneath the tree and see which ones are marked for you, and you sit there and wonder if that big present underneath the tree is the one thing you’ve hoping for that Christmas.  You begin to frantically rip open your gifts with anticipation that the next one you open will be your ultimate toy, and then it comes down to just one box left open the tree, it has your name on it, and you have yet to receive the toy you’ve wanted the most.  It all comes down to this:  Will Santa have delivered the goods and answered your pleas or will your Christmas day end with a somber disappointment and the dread of having to wait until next year to receive that present.                                         

     

    With zero hesitation you tear through the wrapping paper wishing and praying to God that it’s the Greatest Toy Ever, and when that last piece of the paper is torn off you sit there in astonishment and can’t believe your eyes.  That one toy that you did extra chores all month for, that one toy that consumed your dreams at night, that one toy that was going to make or break your Christmas was finally all yours!  You jumped to the ceiling in astonishment and praised Santa as your parents looked upon you with loving gazes at how happy you were to have received your final present, and without any hesitation you took that Ultimate Toy and you played with it, and it was the best Christmas ever...or perhaps the start of the most nightmarish Christmas of your entire life???                         

         

    You had reached the highest of highs, but then your parents introduce an idea to you that seems worst than anything you could have ever imagined...Sharing your gift with others.  And I’m not talking having to share the gift with your sibling(s).  Sharing a gift with a sibling(s) is easy. They live with you and they know how you like them to play with your toys, so as long as they’re careful enough you don’t mind as much sharing with them, but it’s when your other relatives come over that you start to get nervous.                              

              

    Cousins.  Is there any worst group of people you can think of to share your toys with?  Especially younger cousins.  I have this theory that in almost every family you always have that one cousin; the one whose parents may have gotten separated or the one whose parents didn’t make a lot of money at their jobs so they couldn’t afford really to give their own kids a nice Christmas.  The cousin who may have had a “rough life” and couldn’t always establish right from wrong.  The same cousin who every time he’d come over your house would take out all of your toys and play with them and then would leave with his family without helping you clean up the mess.  Forcing you to clean up after them, and your parents always made you be extremely nice to them whenever they came over.  It was this cousin we always dreaded the most especially at Christmas time.  The second they came in through the door and they saw you playing with your new toy they seemed to have this look of pure evil upon their face.  Then they would walk up to you and without even so much as a “hello”, would look at you and say “Can I play with that?”  And the same thought went through all of our minds; “No.  You can’t play with this.  It’s mine.  I went through hell to get this toy, I’ve only had it for two hours and I’m not going to let you play with it because you might break it”.  Then your cousin would always turn on the water works and run to his parents (or worst your parents) and say that you weren’t sharing with them.  Your parents would pull you aside and sharply tell you that you needed to share your gift with cousin because it was Christmas; a time of caring and sharing, and that you were acting a spoiled brat.  Then you pleaded your argument to your parents that your cousin should not be allowed anywhere near your new and favorite toy, not because of the fear that they might break it, but for the fear that they would most certainly break it if they were to play with it.  Your parents would most definitely ignore your pleas at this point and then submit you to the worst punishment imaginable as a child.                                             

    For failure to share your new toy with your cousin you were sentenced to sit between your parents and watch your cousin play with your new favorite toy until you could “learn to share”.  It was madness, it was unbearable, it was the worst form of torture you could ever think of for a child.  Watching your cousin play with your new favorite toy was like watching the one you love get tortured to death.  “Stop it!” you would say in your head “you’re playing too rough with it.  You’re going to break it.  Please stop being so rough with my new toy”, but your parents didn’t care.  They ignored the look of anguish upon your face.  In their eyes they were teaching you an important life lesson.  As for your cousin, they could care less about how they were playing with your toy.  They played with it and treated it as if it were their own toy, but it wasn’t; it was yours.         

    The came the moment of fate: your cousin in a horrific brain lapse tossed your new favorite toy way up into the air as you looked on with horror, praying, praying that he would catch it.  As they most assuredly missed catching the toy on it’s way down, your heart exploded as you watched that new toy hit the floor and break in two.  Your cries of anguish were ignored by your parents as you fell to your knees, heartbroken.  Your aunt & uncle told your cousin to apologize to you for breaking your toy and your cousin just looked down at the ground as they delivered the most insincere  “I’m sorry” ever.  And what started out as the Best Christmas Ever ended as one of the worst days of your childhood.  

Update from the Corseted Critic!!!

I know I know I know I suck at keeping a regular blog!!! I could blame it on work and time constraints, but those are crap given that the other people on this blog are very good at getting something out at least once a week. So let's just blame it on my extreme laziness and slight lack of ideas!
So, I am beginning to seriously think about relocating and a lot of changes will come with this, so forgive me if it takes me a little longer to get stuff out, but I DO HAVE IDEAS!!
Reviews of a few Japanese horror movies will come, a tribute to Guillermo Del Toro, and more.
Plus: I will be doing these in VLogs!! Yes you will get to see my pretty face every week starting next February! I have an idea for a show and am going to try it out!
I always felt I was a more visual person and my text reviews never seemed right. I love theater, acting and am pretty apt at editing. As of right now I have a few scripts in process, so let's see how it goes.
The late date is due to the fact that, should I move, it won't be until next year, so again, I appreciate your patience and can't wait to get started.

:D

The Corseted Critic

5 Songs that Annoying White Girls Love

5 Songs that Annoying White Girls Love

By: A. Aleister Sirrat

Hello Friends.  This is “Sirrat in the Hat”, and I’ve decided to take a break from reviewing French Exploitation films from the 1970’s and do a music Top 5 List like my dear friend Das Film Junkie.  Have you ever been one of those unfortunate souls who’s been out in public; maybe at a bar, or a club, and all of a sudden you hear the ear piercing screams of a group of Annoying White Girls as “their song” begins to play over the loud speakers.  You then have to bear the ungodly spectacle of watching them form a circle and scream every note of the song horribly off key.  It is site and sound that would make anyone envy the deaf and contemplate committing a Japanese ritualistic style suicide on the very spot where they stand.  Be forewarned people that if you are ever out in public where there is music playing, these are the songs that will send any group of Annoying White Girls into a manic frenzy and could cost you your sanity...or worst! @_@

5.) “Someone Like You”- Adele

All right, before you all start posting your death threats in the comment section, let me establish one thing.  This is an excellent song and Adele is a fantastic singer.  When she wrote and released this song it was an instant smash, and for good reason.  Adele revealed a sad personal experience from her life.  She is singing about her own personal heartache.  She is not singing a song about that 3-week relationship that you had with some guy where you stayed up to 2 in the morning chatting on Facebook.  She is not singing too you.  She is also not singing about you!  Oh and one other thing:  YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD THAT HAS GOT DUMPED OR HAD THEIR HEART BROKEN!  Seriously, every person in this world has had their heartbroken at least once in your life.  That guy you met when you were 15 is not the only guy in the world who will ever love you.  There are plenty of people in the world, so stop posting this song’s lyrics as your Facebook Status every time you get dumped.  It’s cliché and it a bad use of a great song.

4.) “Mickey”- Toni Basil

Seriously, you're like old enough to be my grandmother

What girl didn’t secretly wish they were a cheerleader in High School?  It’s nothing to be ashamed of...you know, unless you’re a grown woman in the early stages of menopause who dresses up like a High School cheerleader and writes an annoying as sh!t song that causes annoying white girls to stomp their feet and shout every god d@amn line out loud, like Toni Basil.  Also, why the name Mickey?  When I hear the name Mickey, I don’t think some young, hot, football playing stud; I’m thinking of Mickey Mouse.  This is the kind of song teeny-bop trash that makes Radio Disney DJ’s get hard in the trousers.

3.) “Cotton Eye Joe”- RedNex

     The Most sure fire way to send a group of annoying white girls into a frenzy is to play this song at ever single school dance, wedding, traveling carnival, etc.  Whenever this song comes on you can be assured that every annoying white girl in a 3-mile radius is going to start doing that stupid line dance and start talking about how “Redneck” and “#White Trash” they are as the post pictures of them doing the dance from their IPhone’s on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

2.) “Barbie Girl”- Aqua

     From one terrible Swedish Pop Song to another: Every girl loved Barbie at some point in their life. Some even dreamed of growing up to be like Barbie.  Swedish Pop band Aqua wrote and released a song about the wish of so many girls...and blood still continues to hemorrhage out of our ears every time we hear that girl, who sounds like a hamster who swallowed a year supply of helium, sings.

1.) “Don’t Stop Believing”- Journey

     I don’t get the appeal of the Fox TV Show “Glee”.  All they do is take popular old songs and make a less good version of it.  No recording artist or band is immune to having their song covered this wretched off spring of Kidz Bop & High School Musical.  Not even the great Journey.  Journey is an awesome band, and they have wrote many great songs...but I swear to your God that if I hear one more girl tell me that “Journey’s cover  of ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ is not as good as Glee’s, I’m going to drive a railroad spike through the thick, empty skulls! 
“Glee” does not come up with their own songs, people, they cover songs that were written and made famous by other more talented artists!  WHY DO SO MANY OF YOU NOT GET THIS?!?!?!??!?!?! 

This is good :)

THIS IS GARBAGE!

Old vs New: The Grudge

Recently, I have been watching a few Asian horror films like the Korean White, and the Japanese Sadako 3D (review to come!). These are the films that still scare me. Even after being watched a few times White remains my favorite and still gives me chills.

But why? Why do American films do so little while the Japanese have me using much more of my flashlight app on my phone?

Perhaps we can answer this by comparing a Japanese original and the American attempt. 

In the year 2000 Japanese director Takashi_Shimizu helmed the movie Ju-On. This is a film in a series of creations following a ghost, or curse as it affects those who come in contact with it. 

You see, in Japanese lore, if a person dies a tragic or violent death, then the place it occurs in becomes tainted with the evil spirits of the dead. Should anyone enter the place, then the spirit will some after them and, sometimes, harm their loved ones. 

Ju-On follows those who enter a house in which a horrific crime has been committed. The house seems innocent enough until those who enter it either die or vanish. 

The American remake starring Buffy the Vampire slayer's Sarah Michelle Geller and directed by the same man as the original follows a similar plot with similar characters, just changing a few to more relatable American characters. 

So if they are so similar why does one scare me and one is just meh?

One could argue that it's the foreign aspect. The fact that one of these films is in another language and must be read could, subconsciously be unnerving for me. To be placed in an atmosphere that is unknown to me could add to the effect the movie has. 

It could also be the way it is shot. I have seen most if not all of the Ju-On films (a sequel and two short spin off films were made) and they all have similar ways of telling the story. Sort of like end to beginning. 

The story begins not with how the curse begins, but with one of it's latest victims. You are then taken backwards to who they got the curse from and onwards until you are shown how the curse began. In this fashion you know only slightly more than the characters you see as they encounter the curse. This adds to the atmosphere and engrosses you into what is happening. 

The American remake loses both of these by making the main characters American and keeping a linear timeline (perhaps to not confuse some people). 

Plus I just kept seeing Buffy the whole time! This came out not soon after the show ended and I just could not separate the two just yet!

My advice? If you like one, check out the others! That is, if you don't mind a bit of reading!!

I'm Back!

Okay, so I haven't been posting to this blog very well, but I have some new things in the works that I want to share so you will hear from me a lot more!

First of all I want to explain why I was gone: I fell in love. It's a big sob story which is described in my other blog (you should check it out!), but for the past few months I have not had one 'actor kick'. Next one hasn't shown up yet, so I'm waiting for it to come up.

But now I am back and ready to get going again! I am watching a lot of Japanese and Korean horror movies so an Old Vs New of The Grudge is coming up, and what better time than Halloween! Also, I think an Old Vs. New of a few other remade foreign movies may come up as well!

We'll see!

Good to be back!

5 Songs that were popular in the 90's that you never hear played on the radio anymore

5 Songs that were popular in the 90’s that you never hear played on the radio anymore.

By: Brian Cotnoir

5.) Mambo No. 5 (A little bit of...)- Lou Bega

     Artist Lou Bega took a 50 year old song in 1999 and turned it into a hit with “Mambo No. 5 (A little bit of...)”.  With a great hook, and beautiful dancing girls in his video, “Mambo No. 5” propelled Lou Bega’s debut album A Little Bit of Mambo (1999) into Platinum sales status.  Unfortunately, for Lou Bega, the success that followed “Mambo No. 5” was nowhere near as close in terms of success and popularity.  What else is there to say about this song, other than: thank goodness for Ex-Girlfriends.

4.) Whoomp! (There it is)- Tag Team

     Miami Hip-Hop Group Tag Team found success in 1993 with their song “Whoomp! (There it is!).  This song reached #2 on the Hot 100 Charts and was very popular at Sports Arenas (especially Basketball).  Tag Team actually re-worked the song and released “Hoop!  There it is!” in honor of the Houston Rockets NBA championship in 1994.  This song is considered both one of the greatest “one-hit wonder” songs and also “one of the worst songs of all-time”.  Whether you like this song or not, you have to admit that this was a popular song in the 1990’s.

3.) Blue (Da Ba Dee)- Eiffel 65

     Remember the first time you saw the music video to this song back in 1999?  Wasn’t it one of the coolest things of the decade?  By today’s standards the CGI in this music video is very primitive and crude, but it was one of the things that helped Italian Techno Group Eiffel 65 and their debut album Europop (1999) into superstar status.  However, just like Lou Bega and Tag Team, Eiffel 65 failed to reach the same success with a follow up.  “Blue (Da Ba Dee) may have been the #1 song in over a dozen countries, and received two Grammy Award Nominations, but I’m afraid they are doomed to One-Hit Wonder Status (at least in America).

2.) Gangsta’s Paradise- Coolio

     This song appeared in the 1995 “Dangerous Minds” and propelled Rap Artist Coolio into superstar status in the 1990’s. This song earned Coolio the 1995 Grammy for “Best Rap Solo Performance”.  Later in the decade a feud would ignite between Coolio and Parody-Cover Musician, Weird Al Yankovic, over Weird Al’s parody of “Gangsta’s Paradise” entitled “Amish Paradise”. 

 

1.) Macarena- Los Del Rio

     Holy Shnikes!  This song was INESCAPABLE in the 1990’s. If there was one song the absolutely dominated the radio airwaves and if you went searching through the radio dial, chances are this song was going to be played on at least one of those radio stations.  The song was released Los Del Rio, a band that had been performing and touring since 1962.  It was #1 in the U.S. and many other countries.  From the time it was released it was one of the most successful songs—not just of the year—but of the entire decade.  Who cares if you didn’t understand or know any of the lyrics to the song, because white people were doing that stupid dance at every wedding, family reunion, and birthday party.  This song is what many people to be the “Greatest One Hit Wonder of All-Time”...and yet when’s the last time you heard it played on the radio?  Isn’t it strange?

5 Love Songs from the 90's that all guys secretly like

Character Analysis: P.R. Deltoid

Character Analysis: P.R. Deltoid

By: Brian Cotnoir

     Hey, it’s been a while since I talked about “A Clockwork Orange” on this blog so let’s change that.  So from the time I started doing this “Character Analysis” I’ve wanted to do one on a character from “A Clockwork Orange”, and to most people the obvious choice would be to do one on the story/films main character Alex, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to see that it wouldn’t be much of a challenge.

So sorry, little Alex.  You're just not challenging enough

You see there are literally dozens of articles, videos and analysis’s of Alex on the internet.  Pretty much everything that can be said about him—in both the novella and the film—has already been said, and I really don’t have a lot of new material or ideas I could bring to a “Character Analysis” of Alex.  Even, if I still wanted to write an analysis of Alex it would be far too long, and I’d probably have to break up the article into much shorter articles so as not to overwhelm you, the reader.  I really wish I could have done a character analysis on one of Alex’s cellmates, but unfortunately they were all left out of the film.  As for his Alex’s Droogs, well they were enjoyable, but just not as enjoyable a character Alex.  Plus, Director Stanley Kubrick did make some significant changes to the characters in the film that differ from Anthony Burgess novella, and I feel like I would have spent more time talking about the differences in the characters between the novella and the film rather than analyzing their character.                    

    However, there is one other character in “A Clockwork Orange” that I always enjoyed and he often get’s over looked at that characters is P.R. Deltoid, Alex’s Probation officer.

CHARACTER: P.R. Deltoid from “A Clockwork Orange” (1971)

P.R. Deltoid from "Clockwork Orange" (1971)

    P.R. Deltoid is Alex’s “Criminal Rehabilitation social worker” who was assigned to watch over Alex after an earlier incident (not mentioned in the novella or film) and keep him out of trouble and from making bad choices.  In the novella he’s kind of a dweeb who tries to see the good in everyone and just does a really bad job at trying to motivate Alex and keep him from doing bad things.  In the novel, we are first introduced to him after Alex skips school and he shows up at Alex’s flat to talk to him about working hard and staying out of trouble.  And what does Alex do right after this little “pep-talk”; why he goes out and drugs and rapes two 10-year-old girls of course.      

Bad Touch! Bad Touch!

However, in the film, he comes off more as cunning and is aware of whom he’s dealing with.  In the film you get the vibe that Mr. Deltoid is fully aware of what Alex is capable of doing and that he knows deep down he’s probably been doing some of those things.  His relationship with Alex in the film comes off as “I don’t like you, but I’m stuck with you!  So stay out of trouble and don’t cause me to lose my job!”.   I think this change to his character in the film definitely makes him a more enjoyable character.  He’s also kind of bossy.  At one point he lies Alex down on the bed next to him and grabs him by the balls as if he’s saying “don’t-let-these-impede-with-your-progress.  Don’t-let-these-get-you-into-trouble”.                                 

   The last time we see Mr. Deltoid—in both the novella and film—he is visiting Alex down at Police Station.  Alex has been arrested and charged with murder, and Mr. Deltoid says that he is at “the end of the line [with Alex]”.  He tells Alex that he is on his own from now on and that he no longer responsible for trying to make Alex a parting shot, he spits in the face of Alex and that’s the last we see of him in the film.

THE ACTOR

Actor Aubrey Morris

The Actor who plays P.R. Deltoid is Aubrey Morris.  Besides this the only other notable film that he’s appeared in was “The Wicker Man” (1973).  What I like about Morris’s portrayal of P.R. Deltoid is that he isn’t playing it with blind ignorance like in the novella.  He knows what Alex does and what he’s capable of doing and he lets Alex know that he won’t always be there to rescue him or come to his aid.  To which Alex scoffs.       I also really like the way he talks in this film.  He speaks with an upward inflection when he talks.  Everything he says, ends with him asking a question.  I can’t really explain it that well, but I thoroughly enjoyed how he read his lines.  So much so, that when I was in college the first production I was in required us to speak with English accents, and my opening monologue in the production was 3 pages long and my first 40-or-so lines were questions, and so at the first rehearsal I was reading my lines like Mr. Deltoid as a joke...well the Director and Stage Director thought it was really funny and I was required to talk like Mr. Deltoid through the whole production.  So Aubrey Morris has influenced my stage work some.

Character is similar to or Inspired By:

     I couldn’t find any characters in any film that P.R. Deltoid is similar to.  I do think he kind of sounds like Tim Curry in the film, but his voice was not inspired by Tim Curry because Tim Curry’s first film role didn’t come until 4-years after the release of “A Clockwork Orange”.

The way he talks is just so interesting.

Fate of the Character:

     We don’t really know whatever happened to Mr. Deltoid.  The last we see or hear from in the film and novella was when he spat in Alex’s face down at the police station.  Presumably, he went back to his job, to serve another misguided youth.  I think they could have done a lot more with his character though.  I think it would have been great for him to have been one of the guests at the Minister of The Interiors demonstration following Alex’s stint through the Ludovico Technique.  Maybe, then we could have gotten his opinion on whether he thought it was the best thing for Alex, or maybe he would have said something like “once a delinquent, always a delinquent”.  That really is a change I think Stanley Kubrick should have made in his film version.  I think Mr. Deltoid had a lot more he could have offered the film, but oh well.  It is what it is.